


Respit

by lasciviousWildheart



Series: Infinity Mechanism [4]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Mind/Mood Altering Substances, Not Suitable/Safe For Work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-02
Updated: 2016-10-05
Packaged: 2018-08-12 15:40:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 36,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7940032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lasciviousWildheart/pseuds/lasciviousWildheart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The boys get high and have a bunch of feelings jams, thats rly all there is to say on the matter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Innocent Letter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Music was a heavy muse for me with this series so all the chapter names are not Homestuck songs but just general songs I relate to Davekat, Dirkjake, or some themes for any of the members thereof 
> 
> First up: 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ks_XlfGY4Sw

DAVE: so i know what youre thinking   
DAVE: its awful irresponsible of me as a guardian to literally leave you illicit drugs as a precious heirloom  
DAVE: and also, if i was going to do so why didnt i jam them in your room when they would be fuckin useful  
DAVE: so listen: rose thought itd be smart to leave roxy a shitload of booze   
DAVE: or grimly cosmically necessary or however she justified it to herself  
DAVE: at least this shit isnt going to wreck your fucking liver   
DAVE: and also im going to put it where if you get to it you can make up your own damn mind  
DAVE: and do it because youre a grown up and you wanna instead of fuckin yourself up chasing some bogus ideal  
DAVE: you know what i mean  
DAVE: anyway as for why i guess its just that  
DAVE: it helped me sometimes, when i was thinking too much about it all  
DAVE: when i couldnt deal with how much i   
DAVE: well  
DAVE: felt i guess  
DAVE: just about everything   
DAVE: anyway i guess consider the next few tapes sort of a crash course  
DAVE: since i dont really know if you guys still have internet  
DAVE: not exactly apropos bedtime story material but escaping an apocalypse and fighting a existential horror death game just to survive wont be pg13 either  
DAVE: so once you pull through it and come back if you do i figure hell, you earned it   
DAVE: give it a shot if you feel like it, kiddo  
DAVE: it’ll do you good.   


For the first time in your life you thought you understood art for exactly what it was: literal magic. It was just too bizarre, the incredible force his voice had on you. It was like the movies, but the movies had been covered up and diluted. This was raw and focused and only for you--him making his voice into a product, canning love into pre-recorded conversations. And then there was the sheer surprise of it. Even now, after listening to this particular recording for weeks. You’d imagined him as a sort of ironically sleazy hollywood celeb, of course, and drugs seemed to be par for the course of all of that. And you’d imagined yourself in apprentice scenarios plenty of times--ones that you had recently begun to be able to live out, in a way that didn’t necessarily improve your battle tactics but did fill up your heart. But you’d never expected this particular master lesson. Your bro essentially just handing you a joint and telling you to chill the fuck out. 

You stared down at the bizarre processing machine you’d alchemized, the culmination of a couple weeks of research. It was like nothing ever designed on earth exactly, if only because it was better. Weed tech hadn’t exactly flourished under Her Imperious Condescension, and your 400 year head start on technology had helped you out of harder tasks. 

It would work perfectly, you were sure of it. You just weren’t quite sure if you wanted it to. 

The recording clicked into silence, spent. Jake rolled over on his bed and groaned, clearly bored and getting frustrated. He’d been by turns the primary voice of excitement pushing this particular venture forward, and the loudest voice of trepidation in your ear about it. He was, in short, of two minds on the subject--and for once this was something on which you both agreed completely. 

But you had stalled enough with petty refinements and pointless design improvements. And Dave had warmed up to the idea of giving it a shot with you guys, Karkat operating as babysitter. It was Bro’s, after all, and you had a strange desire to use something of his to tie you and Dave together. Give him a better Bro to imagine looking up at, even if it had to be his damn self. If you were worried about whether it would work, or if it would suck, all the research seemed to check out. And it was Bro, after all. You trusted him. At least enough to give it one try. 

You got up and captchalogued the BIZNASTY HYPERVAPE (you were working on an ironic title with more nuance) and Jake practically did a backflip out of the bed and onto his feet, his tiny bootyshorts sticking out at you enticingly. One of the weirdest things about having Jake be physically AROUND all the time was the guy moved like a goddamn pornstar. Just, all the time. Like it was just his regular shit, he didn’t even do it on purpose or anything. 

You felt the familiar low constant hum of interest coming from your dick. Settle down, bucko. You had a long night of totally platonic bro-ing out to do, and you knew damn well Jake wasn’t exactly in the mood to indulge either of your boners, even if you could practically see his twang against his pants as he caught your eyes looking. Both of you walked out your door wordlessly, Jake quiet and reserved and you giving him the space to keep it that way. 

It had been a practically half a week now. First Rose and Roxy’s birthday party (Ok, Roxy’s birthday party, Rose sat in a comfortably dark room with Kanaya and entertained herself with your occasional visits until John dragged her out), then you’d all gone to check out a pretty kickass beach and spent the day swimming and building awesome, mile-long sandcastles. 

And then after all that defending Jake from Rose’s overly biting inquisitiveness (until Jake told you to chill out and you conceded with a grumble) and racing each other in swimming matches (most of which you’d won, but nobody cared after the one where he somehow destroyed you) obviously you’d needed a solid two days to do nothing but get each other off any way you could think of. It was had been, as far as you were concerned, a goddamn blast of a date--and you genuinely did mostly believe Jake thought so too. 

But it was obviously starting to wear on him. Learning HOW to date Jake had mostly been a slow, arduous process of brushing up against or exceeding your limits and having to force yourself not to be sad when he needed to leave again, not to hold it against him, not to let him leave feeling bad about it. It had gotten better once you’d learned your tips and encouragement, provided in just the right way, could actually help take some of his load off. 

Not so much for the extra time it bought you as for the way it let you see up close just how much the stress of saying the wrong thing and double guessing himself got to him. The way it let you understand him better. And your English senses were tingling pretty hard. You’d asked if he wanted to reschedule, but he actually kind of seemed to like pushing himself a little so long as no one was too hard on him when he snapped back homewards. And he was legit excited for this--apparently there were some plants on his island who’s effects he’d been beginning to parse from his vague childhood memories. According to him, he missed some of them. 

You tsk’ed at yourself as you flew through the dimming early-night air--you were lost in thought again, and even you could tell. Dave’s can wasn’t far from yours, and you were already coming up on it. He’d turned out to be super down for this, which had surprised you--everything you learned about him suggested he was actually kind of a tightass. If a totally rad tightass who was way too forgiving and cool for you to deserve in your life--but what else was new? All your friends were like that. 

Jake knocked on the door before you could, silently humming to himself. Somehow, the thought of him calmed you. You knew he was looking forward to heading home tonight--maybe even tomorrow morning, if things went very well--but he did seem to be enjoying himself well enough. It was nothing like when you’d burnt him out entirely back in the session. 

Twin calls from inside--one a low groan, the other a shrill screech. You opened the door and let yourself in. 

DAVE: yo dudes   
KARKAT: SUP  


As soon as you walked through the doorway you felt a weird shift--like suddenly seconds were just ticking by more...slowly. A lot more slowly. It passed as quickly as it came as you adjusted to the time inside this room. Time flowed differently in different places, Dave had told you once, then rambled at length about a bunch of shit you tried to follow but that just made your head hurt. 

Anyway, you’d expected this--this whole venture was meant to be a sort of weekend getaway for Karkat, because in Karkat World a vacation was taking care of his stoned as fuck boyfriend instead of a bunch of dramatic fucking trolls starting fights all the time. Your idea of a break currently involved trying to design life support systems for colonies on uninhabitable planets that used no advanced AI whatsoever, so you could hardly judge. 

Dave twisted over the curve of the far couch to give you a two-fingered salute and a tiny, smug little nodding grin. You repaid him in kind as Jake lifted his hand hesitantly in hello. You felt kinda bad for thinking it was cute when he did stuff like that--such a sharp contrast to the pumped up bravado you knew Jake was capable of. You wandered over to them and settled onto the couch opposite them--what had quickly begun to become your usual spot, when you hung out here.

Dave was drawing what you could only hope was another sbahj strip on his little tablet computer, while Karkat was curled and embroiled in deadly battle with that most insidious weapon--the Nintendo Gameboy. What was that he was playing? Sounded like Kirby.

You deployed the BIZNASTY on the small table between you and Dave wordlessly. He didn’t stop drawing and Karkat didn’t stop playing and Jake shuffled quietly and discreetly wrapped his arm around your leg as he snapped his fingers and the tv hummed alive. You smiled because once you’d gotten it to do that Dave had called you a fucking wizard. 

You also scowled, because now there was a countdown before you found out if it was possible to get high enough to enjoy one of Jake’s movie picks. You thought you saw him thumbing between Stargate Atlantis and one of the fucking Transformers movies earlier, and you were actually hoping for a little quality Rodney McKay time.

DAVE: so hows this thing even supposed to work  
DIRK: Well, theoretically, I just kind of...turn it on.   
DIRK: We’re not even supposed to have to do anything, it just sort of seeps into the atmosphere.  
KARKAT: AND YOU’RE *SURE* THIS ISN’T GOING TO TURN OUT TO BE POISON TROLL GAS, RIGHT?  
DIRK: I told you, dude, I checked for all that.   
DIRK: Besides, if things go really sour, Jane is pretty close by.  
DIRK: You’ll be fine.   
KARKAT: ASSUMING OF COURSE I DON’T EXPLODE SO HARD NONE OF MY BODY SURVIVES, WHICH I AM QUITE SURE I AM ENTIRELY WITHIN REASON TO WORRY ABOUT WITH ALL THREE OF YOU GETTING INTOXICATED AND DROPPING YOUR IQ’S TO THOSE OF SPECTACULARLY DUMB SEED RODENTS.  
KARKAT: OH WAIT! THAT’S PRETTY MUCH EXACTLY WHAT YOU ALL ALREADY ARE! GREAT, PROBLEM SOLVED UTTERLY.  
DAVE: man you signed up for this   
DAVE: could you maybe not play that game while we do this, you get so ornery with that thing on  
KARKAT: ABSOLUTELY NOT. SORRY, DAVE, BUT I’M GETTING BETTER AND SOMEONE NEEDS TO SHOW THIS “WHISPY” ASSHOLE WHO’S BOSS.   
DIRK: Lmao.  
DIRK: I’m gonna go ahead and just turn this on.  
DAVE: cool   


You pressed the button right as Jake equipped the TV Set with his choice, and Stargate Atlantis slowly hummed its mediocre ass back into your life. He was quiet, but smiling, and as you settled back into the couch he made it a point to bunch up into the couch and put your arm around his shoulders, settling his head onto your neck like he was going down for a nap.

You waited for the machine to work it’s weird weed majyyks. Whether you turned out to be immune or not, you thought you were going to be a pretty lucky boy tonight. All things considered.

DAVE: oh my god i cant believe john sheppard is so hot  
JAKE: FINALLY somebody agrees! Isnt he so dashing and courageous!   
KARKAT: I WISH HE AND RODNEY WOULD JUST SHUT UP AND FUCK ALREADY, YOU COULD CUT THAT PITCH TENSION WITH A BUTTER KNIFE.   


This was so fucking dumb. You weren’t feeling anything at all.  
You had tested Karkat’s blood against THC and everything. He literally, physically should not be feeling any effects. The only conclusion you could possibly reach was that Jake had accidentally fucked with him using Hope powers, or maybe Blood powers just made you naturally attuned to getting high? That sounded like nonsense though. And if it was Jake, why the fuck were you immune? It made no fucking sense, and was kind of pissing you off. 

Stargate Atlantis ticked into it’s final moments, absolutely committed to making absolutely no sense. Sheppard was doing some heroic self-sacrifice bullshit before someone teleported him out of danger in the nick of time. He was...alright looking, you guessed. 

You’d been good most of the night. Kept your sarcastic comments to a minimum. And to be fair, you felt like a lot of your ire was down to Jake gushing unusually hard about how hot everybody in the damn movie was. You were way hotter than Shepphard, surely. When you tried to think of some witty, biting way it was terrible and easily picked apart, you came up empty. 

The conflict was unusually engrossing for one of Jake’s flicks, and you could even enjoy the contrivance of two particular scientists being so much better than everyone that they just kind of carried the plot. When you tried to unravel it’s threads, it eluded you, which to your mind only confirmed how deeply and truly mediocre it was. Sheppard teleported off screen just as the ship he was on blew up, and your sigh was lost between Jake’s earnest yell of glee and Dave’s inscrutably ironic hollering. Karkat just gasped in mock shock, which you appreciated. 

Also, the black of your glasses was starting to hurt your eyes, weirdly enough. Dave had taken his glasses off a while ago, and they were bloodshot and runny. So far, this experience was proving a bit of a bore. All it had done was everyone more giggly and quiet than usual.  
Jake had relaxed considerably in the extended silence and comfort of knowing everyone (but you) was enjoying his movie, though, so you supposed it was worth it. 

Especially with him sprawled out over the couch, legs sprawled wide for you to look at as he rested his head on your lap. Good thing you guys had started to be more openly affectionate around Dave and Karkat, or this would’ve been pretty damn awkward. A final shot overlooking the Stargate, and the movie shut off.

JAKE: Wow.  
JAKE: Jeez i dunno about you guys, its been a long time since i watched this movie but i dont remember it being this flipping incredible!   
DAVE: i gotta say i somehow legitimately enjoyed that  
KARKAT: IT WAS PRETTY TOLERABLE FOR ONE OF YOUR CHEESY ACTION FLICKS, I’LL ADMIT.  


You bit your tongue. You didn’t really like cutting Jake’s taste in movies down anymore, especially not with him this worn out, and DEFINITELY not with Dave around. Too bad Jake was patting at your chest and looking up at you, his big green eyes lit up and wide like a kid staying up for fucking Christmas.

JAKE: What about you strider? Any clever criticisms??  
DIRK: Uh…  
DIRK: I...wasn’t a huge fan, I guess?   
JAKE: Oh. :(  
DIRK: But, I actually can’t think of any particular problems with it.   
DIRK: I just can’t help getting kind of jealous of Shepphard, you talking him up like that and all.  


Shit. You hadn’t meant to just lay it out, just like that. What the fuck?

Jake stared up at you, his mouth a small o. Silence flooded the room from the far side.  
You stewed deeply on the mistakes and choices in your life that were now leading you to feel this mortified. 

Simultaneously, like they’d rehearsed it, they all broke into an uproarious laugh. Jake rolled his face into you, bounced, then rolled off and flew up to your face. Your fuck up had not been anywhere NEAR this funny, goddamnit. But Karkat was hammering at the side of his couch, and Dave was wheezing and clutching his belly, and Jake’s cheeks were wet with tears already.

JAKE: Oh my goodness gracious dirk that was adorable!!!!!!!  
DAVE: dude you are so fucking high oh my god ahahahahaha  
DIRK: What? No. I’m not high. I feel exactly the same as always.  
DAVE: oh my god you cant fucking tell   
KARKAT: I’VE NEVER UNDERSTOOD THE APPEAL OF THIS SOPORIFIC BULLSHIT BUT WOW, YOU WERE RIGHT DAVE, THIS IS FUCKING INCREDIBLE.  
KARKAT: IT’S LIKE A HATCHING PRESENT! JUST ALL YOUR FRIENDS GATHERING AROUND TO WILLINGLY PRESENT THEMSELVES AS MORONS AND THOROUGHLY HUMILIATE THEM FOR YOU!  
KARKAT: YOU’LL NEVER HAVE TO FEEL INFERIOR AGAIN! NOT AFTER YOU HEAR CREAMSICKLE STRIDER ALL BUT SAY THE WORDS KAWAII UGUU  
DIRK: You guys promised you’d stop watching anime.  
KARKAT: WE DID! IT’S NOT MY FAULT THAT YOU LITERALLY EMBODY IT.  
DIRK: No. No, shut up! We’re not a--*pff*--a fucking anime!!  
JAKE: What in sam's hill fucking gardens is going on here :s8  
DIRK: Just dumb garbage, Jake.   
DAVE: lol ask him for a primer on kill la kill later jake  
JAKE: :O Kill la kill?   
DIRK: NO! THAT’S ABSOLUTELY NOT HAPPENING.  
DAVE: dude you have NO poker face right now its fucking embarassing to watch  
DIRK: I,  
DIRK: Shit.   
DIRK: Fuck.  
DIRK: I think I’m high.   
DAVE: you made it bud  
KARKAT: THE POINTY-HAIRED SNAIL FINALLY TAKES A SLEEPY NAP ROLL ACROSS THE FINISH LINE!  
JAKE: Augh everyone shut up!!!!   
JAKE: I was trying to make dirk feel cute over here!!!!  


Heat flushed your face practically all over, but damn, you liked hearing those words.  
In public, like that. 

 

That didn’t stop you from being petty and closing your eyes hard as soon as Jake snatched your shades off. All it did was force a new gale of laughter out of all of them, though.  
It was when Jake’s hands touched your skin that you finally realized something was different. 

It always felt like fire when Jake touched you, but this was something else. It was like a supernova, but soft and gentle, creeping steadily and softening you up all over. All your defenses were just...GONE, somehow. No, not your worries---your thoughts. The static noise of the doubt, the worry, the fear, the humor, the irony, the detachment from the irony, the detachment from the detachment from the concept of detaching.

The lenses from which you deconstructed everyone were just...removed, somehow. And what was left was the feeling of Jake’s skin on your skin, and the weight of his eyes. You washed into the world in an ebb and tide when he kissed you, lost yourself in him completely. A dream come true--literally, you were pretty sure you’d dreamt about this. 

His tongue took your mouth at the same time he wrapped his arm around your neck. You felt him float in a slow flip down to you, and soon his hips and legs were pressing down all against you. His belly pressing hard against yours. Your hands wandered onto his ass naturally and you felt him tense at it, felt--

DAVE: AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGHH  
KARKAT: PLEASE, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP DOING THAT!! THIS IS MORTIFYING.  
DAVE: DUDES we said ok for the hand holding and cute ironic arms around shoulders and shit but dont start shooting some goddamn porn augh my eyes  
JAKE: Oh! Whoops, sorry guys…  
JAKE: I just got kind of carried away, oh…  
JAKE: I guess this is what it’s supposed to be? Like this is how it feels? I feel all intense and washed out and woozy  
JAKE: It’s nice actually this really isnt anything like tricksters  
JAKE: i dont feel like doing anything shitty i cant control at all  
KARKAT: WHAT IS THAT, WHY ARE YOU SO CAGEY ABOUT THAT, THE ‘TRICKSTERS’  
KARKAT: IT’S THIS RIDICULOUS MYSTERY WE’RE ALL JUST TRYING TO SOLVE  
JAKE: I’d rather not talk about tricksters  
DIRK: Yeah, I’m gonna pass.  
DIRK: This is nice, this is fun. Don’t wanna ruin that.  
KARKAT: SEE, EXACTLY LIKE THAT! IT’S SO FUCKING OMINOUS AND CREEPY.  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO PROMPT THAT KIND OF RESPONSE? I’M NOT HALF AS CAGEY ABOUT HALF MY FRIENDS DYING DUE TO A DEVASTATING AFFLICTION OF ALLERGIES TO EACH OTHER’S BULLSHIT.   
DAVE: also speak for yourselves, guys  
DIRK: Oh, come on! We’re totally gold by the bro rulebook.  
DIRK: If you’re hanging with a bro and a choice babe drops into your lap of course you’re allowed to make out with her.   
DIRK: Come on, look, we can even no homo it if it'll make you more comfortable. Check it:  


You squeezed Jake’s ass and shot Dave a wicked, evil grin. Ordinarily you’d worry saying something that Bro-like would fuck him up some, make you remind him too much of things he’d rather not think about. But now, the fact that Dave and Karkat had been instrumental in saving your relationship, not to mention the fact that your relationship currently included using your enormous gay sexual tension to troll your brother and his alien boyfriend, skewered the putrid troll terminology with all sorts of sincere, heartfelt sentiments: Your joy at being back with Jake again, your gratitude Karkat had helped it happen, your gratitude Dave had deigned to give you a doorway into his life. A lot of gratitude, mostly. 

And the nice thing about Dave was knowing he would just get all this, pick up on every nuance and meaningful breadcrumb and follow your thread--even as his face contorted in disgust at you spreading your legs seductively, raising your knees against Jake’s shorts. It reminded you the best part about irony was the fun of it, the treading puzzles with your words and hiding secrets within them. 

It made you feel genuinely sentimental. For the first time, grossing him out with homoerotic splendor, you thought of Dave in a way that felt right. You could never look at him without seeing a son you fucked up, or as a distant and beloved father. But suddenly something had changed that, and you got a glimpse of another way you could see Dave. One you felt fit comfortably, relaxed instead of taut. 

This kind of homoerotic ironic trolling horseshit? 

This felt like something you might do to a twin brother. 

But it would have been a shame to press your luck and make the imminent softcore porno feeling settle in for Dave a little too Real--remind him too much of someone else who’s sexual displays he couldn’t get out of--and lift Jake over by the knee, tossing him gently onto his side of the sofa. You did make sure to keep a totally platonically-construable romantic arm around his shoulder, though.

DIRK: Alright, it is safe to say I am totally stoned.  
DIRK: I think that’s clearly true for you as well.  
DAVE: yep  
DAVE: also this aint half bad at all  
KARKAT: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT, I FEEL PERFECTLY NORMAL.  
KARKAT: YOU’RE THE ONES WHO ARE ACTING ALL WEIRD.  
DIRK: Oh god, so you were actually sober and invested in Rodney?  
JAKE: Hey!!! You said the movie was good no take backs!!!  
KARKAT: I DON’T HAVE TO THINK RODNEY IS WRITTEN BETTER THAN A BAG OF SHITS TO THINK HE REALLY NEEDS TO GET CONTENTIOUSLY REAMED BY SHEPHARD SO HE’LL SHAPE HIS SHIT UP.   
KARKAT: THAT’S JUST LOGIC, DIRK.  
DIRK: Ok the veracity of that statement and my contrition notwithstanding,  


You kind of loved Karkat. It was so different to go up against someone who presented such a genuinely alien intellectual challenge. Only other person you’ve gotten verbal smackdowns like that from were Rose and Dave, so far. Which was why you couldn’t let the guy keep his lid on like this. He might be pissed at you for this after he realized he said a bunch of embarassing shit in the morning, but you were starting to understand just what this plant was doing. 

It was heart shit, kind of. Just loosening you up and letting you flow out of yourselves--no layers, no worries, no filters. Like letting go of your throat for a while and letting yourself breathe, or disconnecting overly-sensitive sensory circuits. Karkat deserved to feel that relief, too. And if that meant destroying his walls, eliminating his defenses, well you were a destroyer. And anyway, you were just evening the playing field.

DIRK: Jake.  
DIRK: Wanna see if you can hope up weed that can fuck up Karkat?   
DAVE: omg do you think that’s possible  
KARKAT: WHAT?   
JAKE: Omg you think i can do that?!  
DIRK: You can do anything, dude. I believe in you.  
DAVE: ahahahah that was so fucking cliche and trite oh my god  
DIRK: Shut up.  
JAKE: :D :D :D oh gosh you’re so sweet  
JAKE: Thanks dirk!  
JAKE: Ok then i’ll give it a shot!  
KARKAT: HANG ON NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.   


Jake’s hands pulsed, a whitewash wave flowing over the very air in here. When it touched you you tasted it, something sweet and soothing. Like milk and honey. 

Karkat shivered when it pulled backwards into him, which is how you knew Jake had won. You’d shivered, too. Jake’s hope shit was something else, a pleasant kind of magic. You had a feeling you and Dave could jam about that--Karkat had occasionally emitted somewhat similar effects, if also totally different. 

Dave took his hand immediately and they both kind of closed their eyes and fell up against each other. It was legit cute. You knew the feeling. 

But also you really really did not want to see Dave’s dick. That was an exceptionally rare thought, coming from you. Dave was quite possibly the only entity in paradox space to carry that distinction. So you scoffed like the hypocrite you are, and cleared your throat, and asked,

DIRK: So,  
DIRK: Movie’s over. What do we do now?   



	2. Breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Listen: Karkat and Dirk both deserve to listen to Pink Floyd and if you haven't already then so do you
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrojrDCI02k

_Breathe, breathe in the air_  
_Don't be afraid to care_  
_Leave but don't leave me_  
_Look around and choose your own ground_  


Whispering Jake’s name in answer to the words felt like breathing. You were tossed onto the floor, your legs sprawled over the couch. Dave’s head laid beside you on one side, Jake’s on the other. You could tell Dave was about to bust you for how gay that just was but the eyes you answered to were Jake’s, and his were wet and glistening, his smile meeting your lips in what felt like a second.

You decided to cut him off with a misdirect, if a passionate one.

DIRK: Dave, this is the best band ever.  
DIRK: Holy shit, all my years of internet exploration, how did I miss this?  
DAVE: Hey 400 years is a lot of ehistory to go through.  
KARKAT: SHHHHHH, HERE COMES MY FAVORITE PART   


_For long you live and high you fly_  
_And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry_  
_And all you touch and all you see_  
_Is all your life will ever be_  


KARKAT: GODDDD I LOVE THAT.  
KARKAT: OK WE CAN TALK OVER THE REST, IT MAKES ME TOO SAD USUALLY.   
DIRK: No, dude, I’m trying to listen to it.   
JAKE: I’ve been such a fool   
DIRK: What?  
JAKE: It was always so obvious.   
JAKE: All I ever needed to do was just talk to you guys and be honest about how I felt.  
JAKE: Instead I just cried and hid and whimpered.  
JAKE: I was so sure you all hated me and I was never going to feel okay again.   
JAKE: But it was all so easy, so simple now looking back.  
JAKE: I wish I hadn’t hurt you all as much as I did   
JAKE: I wish I hadn’t waited so long.  
DIRK: Jake, what?   


Your brain was reeling, thoroughly devastated by his direct and ridiculously intense admission. You tried to process it, tried to take in the intonation he’d said it with, tried to burn it into your insides permanently.

DAVE: woah holy shit jake is broken  
KARKAT: JESUS CHRIST, BRO, CAN YOU GIVE US A HEADS UP BEFORE YOU TRIPLE SOMERSAULT US INTO THE EXISTENTIAL REGRET FIELD?   


They weren’t making it easy, and you gritted your teeth against the impulse to yell at them to shut up. Luckily it didn’t matter--you realized with a palpable sense of relief that those words were sinking deep into you. Settling in. You knew for a fact you’d remember them, would be able to relisten to them if you needed to. 

Thank god, because they’d ruined it--Jake’s mind took a new interest and so everything he said was virtually completely forgotten. You’d have to try to ask him about it later.

JAKE: You have things you feel that way about also?   
KARKAT: OH. SURE, I MEAN, OF COURSE.  
KARKAT: ALL KINDS OF STUFF, WHO DOESN’T?  
JAKE: Like what?  
KARKAT: JEEZ, I DON’T KNOW!   
KARKAT: JUST, LIKE. WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME FOR MY DIRTY LAUNDRY ALL OF A SUDDEN?  
JAKE: Oh i’m sorry i didn’t mean to come off like that.  
JAKE: I just have never met anyone who feels bad about that kind of stuff all the time before.   
DIRK: Dude, WHAT?  
DIRK: Wrong.  
DIRK: I’m like, LITERALLY right here dude.   
JAKE: What? Are you trying to say that you--  
DIRK: I feel bad about EVERYTHING, ALL the time.   
JAKE: D: !  
DIRK: Shit, no. I mean. Not EVERYTHING. Not ALL the time.  
DIRK: But,  
DIRK: I hurt Roxy. I hurt Jane. I hurt you.  
DIRK: I made AR practically JUST to hurt him.   
DIRK: And then he died for me, and that was that.   
JAKE: Dirk, i…  
JAKE: I don’t think that’s true!  
JAKE: You never hurt me or the girls certainly not PURPOSELY!   
JAKE: And things with the AR were so much more complicated than that!  
DAVE: . . .   
KARKAT: . . .   
DIRK: Nah, I don’t think so.   
DIRK: For starters, I knew Jane liked you. I didn’t let it stop me.  
DIRK: I was just so scared all the time, so desperate not to lose you, that I didn’t let myself give a shit about her feelings.   
JAKE: Um...yes but, by her account she did much the same thing!  
JAKE: Awkward as that is to think about, ooh boy.   
DIRK: And so there I am again. Forcing the issue into your face like this.   
DIRK: Just like I forced the issue in the game. At least she had the basic sense of empathy necessary to let me have a shot. I can’t say that.   
DIRK: Let’s not even talk about the way I treated you with all the Brobot shit. Or how simple it would have been to just date Roxy and make her happy.  
DIRK: At least those early couple years. If I wasn’t so selfish I--  
JAKE: Augh no no stop it, this is so stupid!  
DAVE: (dude and i thought our session was full of drama)  
KARKAT: (DUDE DON’T BE RUDE, THIS SOUNDS IMPORTANT.)  
DAVE: (im not interrupting its not my fault you cant fuckin whisper)  
JAKE: First off its completely ridiculous to be guilty about roxy!!!  
JAKE: You like what you like, theres no need to justify it.  
KARKAT: (YEAH, YOU TELL HIM)  
DAVE: (dude stfu)  
JAKE: And as for brobot, i literally asked you for him!!!  
JAKE: He was a present! And yeah sure there were some rough edges, i didnt exactly love having to worry about being stalked all the time.  
JAKE: But i already did that anyway! It was nice to at least know i was being stalked by something that might take my side now and then.  
JAKE: Like if there were a particularly dangerous monster or something.  
JAKE: I dunno, jeez, it made me worry more but it also made me feel safer i guess.   
JAKE: That’s how it’s always been. That’s why i like you.  


Slowly, too slowly, you tried to reach for Jake’s hand. Just a natural impulse--a dehydrated man reaching for drink. You felt kind of like you were moving in a pure black tub of water--everything slow and disjointed and blurry. 

Your body waved over at you distantly, reminding you you needed to breathe. You did it slowly, in a languid ebbing and flowing. This was so...different. Jake had grown so talkative, what he was expressing so simple and clear…

But maybe it was you that was different? It sounded familiar. Maybe he’d been trying to tell you this all along, and you were just too busy deconstructing him to see it. Well, now you couldn’t do that at all. It was kind of blowing your mind a lot.  
Like the dreambubbles, but fuller somehow. More...alive? More visceral.

KARKAT: (HOLY SHIT, I THINK THEY MIGHT ACTUALLY BE LEARNING)  
DAVE: (dude shhhh)  
KARKAT: (NO WAY! I PRACTICALLY MADE THIS SHIT, I EARNED THIS.)  
JAKE: Sure you’re difficult and overzealous and infuriating! But… you do CARE, that’s obvious.   
JAKE: And you’re just...good at stuff. At everything! And,  
JAKE: Man i dunno you just...remind me of grandma i guess.  
JAKE: Just like, feeling safe.  
JAKE: Like things would be taken care of and like i’m not all by myself.  
DIRK: R…  
DIRK: You really feel that--  
JAKE: AND AS FOR JANE!  
JAKE: THAT’S ALSO A HEAP OF GARBAGE!  
JAKE: How about instead of torturing yourselves over who was the bigger shark to each other-- and i assure you i know now it’s a two way street!!  
JAKE: You both just accepted i can make my own decisions!!!!  
JAKE: I mean jeez you act like you stole me away from my one true love.  
JAKE: And jane acts like she tried to!  
DIRK: Well, what if I did?   
DIRK: Are you sure you would know?  
JAKE: Augh dirk i dont GIVE A HOOT!!!!!  
JAKE: If you want to know god’s honest truth back before the game i’d probably have had you both and a roxy for keeps if i had my way!   
DAVE: (oh god)   
JAKE: But it just didn’t work out that way, and that’s fine.  
JAKE: Honestly that’s probably the best outcome possible! I proved stunningly fucking well i can barely even handle dating any one of you.   
JAKE: And i’m just naturally more comfortable with you, in the end.   
JAKE: Jane is aces and i love her and all and she’s quite the looker if you know what i mean,  
DAVE: boy do i  
KARKAT: IT’S SO UNFAIR, WHY IS IT LIKE THAT FOR ALL THE HARLEYBERTS?  
DAVE: also why are their family names so convoluted and fucking awkward  
DAVE: also shouldnt they technically be the crockernglishes  
KARKAT: NO, THAT’S DUMB, FUCK YOU.   
DIRK: Guys, we were kind of in the middle of something here.   
KARKAT: SHIT, THAT’S RIGHT, SORRY.  
JAKE: Aaaauugh no i should apologize!!!  
JAKE: Look at me running my mouth and forcing you good hapless chums on a cruise through our issues.  
JAKE: I should be quiet and allow the festivities to continue.  
DIRK: Dude, no.  
KARKAT: ABSOLUTELY NOT, THAT’S UNACCEPTABLE.  
KARKAT: I WILL NOT BE DENIED THE SATISFACTION I AM OWED FOR BAPTIZING THIS FLEDGLING UNIVERSE WITH HOT TEENS CAPABLE OF FORMING ACTUAL HEALTHY INTERACTIONS.   
KARKAT: AND IT’S NOT LIKE I HAVE ANY *NEW* ROMANTIC DRAMAS TO WATCH, WE LITERALLY FUCKING WATCHED THEM ALL.   
DAVE: these are the festivities man   
DAVE: feelings jam out as much as you want and then we can jam about how hot everybody is its cool   
DAVE: this is pretty nice actually so you dont gotta stress  
JAKE: Uh...oh. Ok...alright then? If... you’re sure, i guess…  


Ugh. This was no good. Dave and Karkat were great, and you could feel your heart swelling with fondness for them all over again. Dimly you were aware you were starting to love them as much as you loved Jane, as much as you loved Roxy. As much as you loved Jake himself. 

But Jake didn’t believe them, even though he wanted to. You could practically feel his brain going into overdrive, spinning out under itself. You focused, brought yourself together in a whipcrack. It was hard, but you managed to push yourself up by the shoulders, the world and your body singing a strained song in response. Your eyes felt really dry for some reason. 

Jake’s eyes were bloodshot and his mouth was a small o. He couldn’t hide a sentiment to save his life, which made it kind of a good thing you were all just kind of laying on the floor like losers--meant Dave and Karkat couldn’t see how hard he was worrying. Your hand clasped around the top of his and you dragged yourself closer, letting your side press into his and pressing your head against his shoulder. Pulled his hand up onto your chest.  
You counted your lucky stars that it worked. If he didn’t relax, exactly, at least he got distracted. He really did seem to enjoy your more obvious displays of affection, and the thought warmed your heart.

DIRK: Jake. You were fine.   
DIRK: Everyone’s having fun, this is cool. You’re cool.   
DIRK: I’d tell you if you were being weird, alright? Just relax.  
JAKE: I...i…  
JAKE: Yeah i...i suppose. If you say so.  
DIRK: You were in the middle of saying something, though.  
DIRK: Can you keep going?  
DIRK: I...really wanted to hear it.  
JAKE: See that’s just what i was talking about. That kind of thing. You’re so good at that.   
JAKE: Jane is lovely and i love her, and...maybe it would’ve been great between us!   
JAKE: Maybe it still could be, gosh, i dunno.  
JAKE: It’s just that it feels like both of you wanted...someone else, back before the game started.   
JAKE: Someone more capable, like how i used to present myself as, which i suppose makes it my fault?  
JAKE: And it seems like you sometimes get frustrated when i fall short of expectations.  
JAKE: It’s not like that anymore, not exactly.   
JAKE: And jane still likes me a lot, i know that! But maybe not enough to like, get MARRIED to me or anything.  
JAKE: I certainly don’t think she’d like to put up with my shortcomings all livelong day!  
JAKE: And who could blame her, really?   
DIRK: This is starting to sound like you’re with me out of a sense of resigned self-pity, dude.   
JAKE: Augh no!!!!! That’s not how it is!  
JAKE: It’s just that you’re not like that at all.  
JAKE: Shucky darn i have a hard enough time just getting some alone time from you!   
JAKE: You just never seem to tire of me somehow, which is part of it i suppose.   
JAKE: And ever since you started really opening up i think i really feel like its genuine on your part?  
JAKE: As though you actually do enjoy just lounging about and watching movies and whatnot, even if you gripe and moan a lot about it.   
JAKE: And that plus your general hypercompetence and overwhelming aura of surety and reassurance…  
JAKE: It just makes it so much easier not to be scared all the time! Of all the things that could happen, all the ways i could mess up.  
JAKE: You just go on liking me forever.  
JAKE: The girls are great and i love them a lot and sure to be honest i still have my thoughts on them from time to time, but i have thoughts like that about damn near every lad and lass around.   
JAKE: It’s just no one else makes me feel as you do, so safe and at home and stuff.   
JAKE: Nobody ever has! Except...   
JAKE: Well, grandma.   
DIRK: ...Oh.  
DIRK: That’s actually,  
DIRK: Really nice to hear?  
DIRK: I...  
DIRK: I think, anyway?   
DIRK: Dave. Um. What do you think about that?  
DAVE: what   
DAVE: dude why what does it matter what i think   
DIRK: I don’t know. I guess you don’t have to answer.  
DIRK: It was actually probably rude of me to ask.  
DAVE: nah dude its fine  
DAVE: i think its sweet i guess   
DAVE: you two are actually really good for each other   
DAVE: we probably shouldnt get into it but the bottom line is adult me was right   
DAVE: you really dont gotta worry so much  
DAVE: if anything the more i learn about you the more im proud of you  
DAVE: youre good  


The black of the world was spinning like a top inside your eyes. You could feel the words just seeping into you, sinking into your soil and settling. It was like the feeling of dreaming but knowing with certainty you’d remember this when you woke up. 

Jake and Dave. Saying you were...good for them. Not without complications--of course not. But still, unequivocally good. And you thought maybe you believed them? It was too overwhelming, you thought if you tried to express it you would would just try to hug them and start crying or something else ridiculous and humiliating. 

Instead you focused on trying to subdue to stinging water in your eyes, thanked the heavens nobody was in a position to get a good look at you. 

Then you snuck a glance at Jake and realized he was staring right at you, eyes wide and intensely focused. Pupils dilated. Oh. Well. Fuck, then. 

When he started talking, he sounded comfortable. Weirdly casual, even. But his eyes didn’t move from you. You could tell, even as you pointedly try not to meet them. You felt like to look at him too closely could break you somehow. And you know a thing or two about breaking things.

JAKE: I had meant to ask about this actually…  
JAKE: Dave earlier you said it was NICE listening to me flap my gums off?  
DAVE: uh, yeah  
JAKE: Could i ask howso???  
DAVE: uhhh  
DAVE: i guess its just,  
DAVE: nice.  
KARKAT: SMOOTH. VERY ELOQUENT.   
DAVE: hey check out this smooth clapback: shut up  
DAVE: anyway it just   
DAVE: you guys kind of remind me of me and john a lot.  
DAVE: not that i really see him like that or anything.  
KARKAT: DAVE, WE BOTH KNOW WE BOTH SEE HIM LIKE THAT. YOU’RE NOT FOOLING ANYBODY.   
DAVE: dont own me during feelings jam karkat we talked about this.  
KARKAT: I’LL “OWN YOU” WHENEVER I DAMN WELL WANT, STRIDER, AND YOU’LL DEFINITELY LIKE IT.   
DAVE: fuck yeah youre right i guess  
JAKE: Ehehehehe so both of the striders like that, then? I guess the apples dont fall far from the tree, eh Di-Stri?   


He nudged you with his elbow and waggled his eyebrows. It went a long way towards helping you take control of your flood of sentimentality. But also it was mortifying. To take back control through humor as much as out of genuine embarrassment, you said a quiet prayer that you would suddenly die.

DIRK: Is this, like, revenge for earlier?  
DIRK: Because if so, it’s working.   
DAVE: hahahahaha you started this war dude now you gotta fight it  
DAVE: sucks to be you  
DIRK: You’ll be recanting that position next time me and Jake start making out, I promise.   
DAVE: sure dude w/e  
DAVE: anyway thats the other reason i guess  
DAVE: its cool to see how different dirk is around you  
DAVE: jane and roxy too but especially you like  
DAVE: sorry if this is awkward but jake, the dude is just so grossly in love with you  
KARKAT: DAVE!   
JAKE: Hahaaaaaaaaaaaa?????? UM…  
DIRK: Fucking christ. Okay, see that, Jake?  
DIRK: THAT’S someone running their mouth and making shit awkward.  
DAVE: ugh alright alright sorry  
DAVE: i just meant  
DAVE: its cool to see him just care about someone  
DAVE: and need approval and affection like, you know, a regular fucking sentient being  
DAVE: i dont want to get into it because its heavy shit   
DAVE: but it helps smooth some shit out for me  
DAVE: childhood wise  
DAVE: or maybe just getting to know dirk wise, which matters more  
DIRK: …  
KARKAT: ...  
JAKE: Oh yes...i...i think i follow.  
JAKE: Dirk...filled me in on some of that stuff. After we found the recordings and all that.  
KARKAT: HOPEFULLY YOU’VE HEARD MORE THAN I FUCKING HAVE.   
DAVE: augh, just...can we not do this now  
DAVE: dirk definitely doesnt need to hear this and i sure dont feel like it  
DIRK: …  
JAKE: I think i’d prefer if we changed the subject as well, sorry karkat  
KARKAT: SIGH, IT’S FINE. I PROBABLY GET IT WELL ENOUGH ANYWAY.  


You really didn’t want to think about this, but you just couldn’t help it. You didn’t exactly have memories of it, mercifully, but you did have impressions. And deductions. They crawled around inside your head and chittered there. Usually your thoughts were like blocks, elements you could easily mix and match, lock away or compartmentalized. Now they resembled nothing more than vicious, skittering insects. 

Or stars burning up, when Jake made it a point to let go of your hand and wrap arm around your shoulder, press you deeper into him. Right. You were here, not there. You were you, not him. You let Jake’s warmth try to force you to believe that. Maybe it would start to sink in someday. 

There was a beat of silence. Then another.

DAVE: so about how hot everybody is  
JAKE: Right, yes!  
KARKAT: IT IS PRETTY INFURIATING HOW WEIRDLY HOT EVERYONE IN OUR LIVES ARE.  
KARKAT: LIKE...JOHN? WHAT EVEN IS THAT.   
DAVE: Ugh yeah  
JAKE: Yes well erm...john is certainly a good looking fellow but he’s also my son!  
JAKE: Rose sure is pretty though. Rather unapproachable however, in that way she’s really different from Roxy.  
DAVE: Augh no thats my sister and my mom-sister stop that   
KARKAT: FUCK THIS.   
KARKAT: I WILL NOT PUT UP WITH THIS ENDLESS MINEFIELD OF HUMAN INCEST SQUICKS.  
KARKAT: LET’S CUT TO THE CHASE AND TALK ABOUT SOMETHING TOLERABLE.  
KARKAT: WHICH IS TO SAY,   
KARKAT: JAKE.  
JAKE: Huh? Yes pal?   
KARKAT: WE SHOULD JAM ABOUT HOW HOT THE STRIDERS ARE.  
JAKE: Oh thank GOODNESS, I was feeling so underhanded about it!!!!  
DIRK: !?!  
DAVE: dude what no!!!!!!  
JAKE: They’re both so outrageous aren’t they???   
JAKE: The soft hair and just…  
KARKAT: THE LIKE, BEING ALL COOL AND INSUFFERABLE BUT THEN MELTING LIKE GOO WHEN YOU SO MUCH AS SNEEZE IN HIS DIRECTION?  
JAKE: Oh gosh yes thats so fucking heavenly!!!   
JAKE: Say does dave also shave everywhere?  
DIRK: JAKE,   
KARKAT: NO?! WHAT THE HELL, YOU JUST LET YOURS DO THAT? YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE MISSING!  
DAVE: let me die here  
JAKE: I’ve tried to get him to stop but he’s such a damn piker about it!  
JAKE: His hair is so nice and soft too it’s such a shame…  
DIRK: Ugh, please stop, I’ll do it if that’s what you want but stop TALKING about this.  
KARKAT: OH, SHUT UP! JUST BECAUSE YOU DON’T WANT ANYONE *ELSE* TO STATE THE OBVIOUS DOESN’T MEAN YOU GET TO HAVE US JUST WALK ON EGGSHELLS WHILE YOU ALL BUT DELIBERATELY DO 500 PUSH UPS SHIRTLESS IN PUBLIC.  
KARKAT: WE’RE ONLY FLESH AND BLOOD! SOMETIMES A GUY IS JUST GONNA NOTICE SOME STUFF GOING ON WITH HIS BOYFRIEND’S “BROTHER-DAD”, THE SIMILARITIES ARE JUST TOO OBVIOUS.   
DAVE: please, please let this stop  
JAKE: And dave is no slouch either, let me tell you! Or rather, he sort of is, but in this really cute way that makes him seem like a stay at home dad or something from a movie?   
JAKE: But he’s so cooled out and smooth about it, he just kind of makes it look attractive somehow.  
KARKAT: I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN, AND IT’S ABHORRENT.  
KARKAT: IT’S LIKE, I JUST CAME HOME FROM A LONG DAY OF SOCIETY REBUILDING, I JUST WANT TO MAKE SOME PANCAKES.  
KARKAT: WHY DO YOU HAVE TO LOOK SO ALOOF AND ENTICING ABOUT PLAYING FUCKING *METROID* ON A TV SEVERAL HUNDRED TIMES TOO HIGH-RESOLUTION TO HANDLE IT? WHY CAN’T YOU JUST FUCKING LOOK LIKE THE DWEEB YOU ARE FOR A LITTLE WHILE?  
KARKAT: AND WHY DO YOU HAVE TO PERIODICALLY LOOK UP AND SMILE AT ME IN A WAY THATS LIKE, BORDERLINE *DESIGNED* TO BOTH CONFUSE ME AND DISTRACT ME FROM MY SNACK WITH FRUSTRATED AROUSAL?  
JAKE: Hahahaha jiminy fucking whillickers karkat i had no idea anyone else had it as bad as i do!  
JAKE: Dirk does that ALL the time like even when hes working on really serious science projects that could probably end up being deadly! Its so frustrating.  
JAKE: But like, hot also.  
DIRK: Dave, please decapitate me again.  
DAVE: fuck no if i have to sit through this you’re going down with me  
DIRK: Fine, so let’s change the subject then.   
JAKE: Augh you’re such a wet friggin blanket sometimes. We were having fun!  
JAKE: I...think?  
KARKAT: WE WERE, JAKE.   
KARKAT: AND SERIOUSLY, IT WON’T KILL YOU TO JUST ACCEPT SOME MOSTLY SINCERE COMPLIMENTS FROM YOUR OWN BOYFRIENDS.  
DAVE: our own boyfriends is maybe fine but i think each others boyfriends is crossing the streams a bit too hard.   
DIRK: Crossing the streams is really unfortunate phrasing here, Dave.  
DAVE: FUCK  
DAVE: dude cmon don’t do the fucking rose thing on me, i’m trying to bail our asses out here  
DIRK: It’s not either of our faults that you’re legitimately obsessed with freudian slips, man.  
JAKE: Hehehehe  
KARKAT: HAHAHAHA  
DAVE: fuck   
DIRK: Ahaha  


The laughter got away from you. You and Karkat might have been able to keep a lid on it, but Jake just couldn’t stop. He kept laughing and laughing, and before you knew it Dave and Karkat were laughing too, and then there was just no stopping it for you. What were you even laughing about? You’d forgotten already, but god, who cared? 

This felt nice. This felt good--YOU felt good! Completely good. Just hanging out and talking with your friends, talking about things that mattered, sharing stupid laughs. It was so weird and unlike anything you’d ever dreamed of. You let your arm fall over your shades and knock them off into Jake’s chest, pressing your face into him as you rode the wave of giggles. 

You breathed him in and the smell of him filled your lungs and your mind in ways it had never been able to reach before. You felt light and airy and hollow--a pleasant kind of hollow. Like you were springy and flexible. Like the litany of your typical thought process had subsided somehow, and now you were ready to look at life differently. To learn to be a different kind of Dirk Strider. 

This was kind of fucking awesome.


	3. Hey You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Listen I can't write about being high and not use a bunch of Pink Floyd its just the rules 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kB_EsS-cWRM

Dave’s skater boy clipped haplessly into the digitized bus stop. He twitched and fluttered there, limbs sprawling at broken angles, rendered so abstract he barely seemed real. 

_Relatable_ , you thought. Or well, usually, anyway. It was hard not to feel real now, with the pressure of Jake pushing against you so hard you were pressing up against Dave’s shoulder. Karkat sprawled over the far end of the couch, his head resting on Dave’s lap. His face practically a rest spot for the controller, but he didn’t care about that so long as he could hold your eyes while you maintained conversation. Jake wasn’t quite snoozing. But he was drowsy and comfortable up against your shoulder, and the annoying way his hair kept tickling your nose was actually kind of perfect. 

You weren’t sure how much time had passed. Surely hours, right? A while ago you realized you’d left the BIZNASTY on all night, during your whole fucking jam session thus far. Everyone had laughed pretty hard at you until you informed them that meant you were all probably just going to keep climbing higher for a few hours.

It had actually scared you a little, but it didn’t seem to be working out so bad. Jake had eventually just sort of exhausted himself, taken a drowsy little nap up against you, which he was just starting to wake up from. That he felt comfortable and safe enough around Dave and Karkat to do that meant the world to you, for some reason. Dave had quieted down, too. Settled down for some bad video games and pretty much checked out.

Not you and Karkat, though. So far, you’d already indulged lengthy debates and mutual rambles on the implications of interacting with alternate selves, the meaning of life in this totally fucked up multiverse, the subtle nuances of intimacy that can be uniquely shared through sexual contact versus honest affection and romance, and more. 

Karkat was kind of a fascinating fucking dude, the only person you’d ever met with as visceral a relationship with himself as you’ve had. Say what you will about your fuck ups, you’d never wanted to fuck your glasses out of self-hatred. Karkat didn’t even seem to mind that you found that hilarious, or comforting. He was sort of reassuring that way--somehow he just seemed at peace with all the exact parts of your life that tormented you. 

But not with everything, exactly. This was the second time you’d mentioned the Batterwitch, and this time he’d also flinched. You knew there was a question about it coming--dude wasn’t good at hiding shit, or even trying. You just didn’t know what it could possibly be. Something about the subject of her seemed to deeply bother him in a way you couldn’t even begin to guess at. 

You kind of felt bad, but it wasn’t like you were doing it on purpose. The Condesce had been an omnipresent force throughout your entire life, and sometimes she just sprang up. Hidden between the lines. Memories of you and Roxy staying up and talking just to feel less alone at night as kids? She tainted every moonlit shadow. Your old fantasies about being Jake’s hero? Well, you’d only wanted to fill the three-pronged holes she’d behind. Your fucked up fears of and simultaneously for Jane? Well, check out that long-haired shadow she was under--small wonder. 

She made herself felt, is all you were saying. But you were, for the most part, over it. The immense satisfaction of knowing Roxy had dealt the deathblow--used your sword to do it, splinterways--went a long way towards ameliorating that deep endless bitterness.  
But it wasn’t like that for Karkat, and you were getting pretty curious about why.  
You were just about to press the topic when he opened his mouth.

KARKAT: CAN I...ASK YOU SOMETHING?  
DIRK: Sure. I was about to say the same thing, actually.   


You very pointedly didn’t look at the inscrutable little smile curving Dave’s lip. Fucker probably didn’t even know what it meant himself.

KARKAT: SO, THE CONDESCE, SHE LIKE.  
KARKAT: LITERALLY RULED OVER YOUR PLANET, RIGHT?  
DIRK: Oh. Turns out, I was going to ask about this exact thing.  
DIRK: She did. I haven’t heard much about it, but apparently she was also head honcho on yours?  
KARKAT: YEAH.   
DIRK: What did you want to ask?  
KARKAT: WELL, I GUESS I WAS JUST WONDERING WHAT IT WAS LIKE.  
KARKAT: IT’S JUST SO WEIRD TO THINK SHE KNEW ABOUT YOU, BUT DIDN’T KILL YOU OUTRIGHT.  
KARKAT: CONSIDERING…  
DIRK: Considering?  
KARKAT: WELL, JUST LIKE, WHAT A DEPRAVED, VIOLENT LEADER SHE WAS.  
KARKAT: BUT ALSO, YOU KNOW. YOUR BLOOD COLOR.  
DIRK: Ah. Right. Hemospectrum bullshit.  
DIRK: I researched the broad strokes of her attempts to genetically engineer humans to be compatible with the system, but I don’t exactly know the details.  
KARKAT: SHE *WHAT*!?   
DIRK: You really find it that surprising?  
DIRK: Most of what she did to Earth she did trying to remake it in the image of her old empire.  
DIRK: To be honest, I kind of hated trolls as a concept for most of my life.  
DIRK: You know, before you guys showed up.   
KARKAT: HA HA, WELL, DON’T FUCKING RUSH TO ANY MORONIC CONCLUSIONS.  
KARKAT: TROLLS AS A RULE WERE FUCKING AWFUL.  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW, ACCORDING TO TEREZI LORD ENGLISH BASICALLY *DESIGNED* US TO BE BLOODTHIRSTY AND BRUTAL?  
KARKAT: WE WERE PRACTICALLY HIS PLAYTHINGS BEFORE WE WERE EVEN BORN.   
DIRK: Huh. I wasn’t aware.  
DIRK: It’s weird how being fucked with by cosmic tyrannical forces describes practically everything we have in common.   
KARKAT: GOD, DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED.  
KARKAT: SERIOUSLY DON’T, I WAS MORE INTERESTED IN THE EMPRESS’ BULLSHIT.   
DIRK: Ah. Right.   
DIRK: I don’t really know what there is to say about her, to be honest.  
DIRK: Or maybe, there’s just so MUCH, I don’t even know where to start.   
DIRK: Weighed against the simple loneliness of growing up in total isolation for most of my life, even the fact that she killed our guardians feels a little too trite, a little too clean of a fact.   
DIRK: She was just always around, not just as a historical figure or a disinterested and cruel monarch but also as a sort of...wicked evil stepmother.  
DIRK: She would have loved to kill us, is the thing. And she made it obvious.  
DIRK: It was just that she needed us elsewhere. Needed us to play the game, specifically.   
DIRK: We were pawns in her plan as much as we were reviled subjects.  
DIRK: Kept at a distance, but close enough to taunt and threaten when the mood struck.   
KARKAT: I…  
KARKAT: YEAH THAT’S PRETTY MUCH HOW SHE ROLLED ON ALTERNIA, TOO, I GUESS.   
KARKAT: I MEAN, MAYBE? I DON’T KNOW. THAT’S KIND OF WHAT FUCKS ME UP ABOUT ALL THIS.   
DIRK: This might be presumptuous on my part, but I kind of sense there’s more going on for you with this than you’re sharing.   
DIRK: This seems...personal for you. Like she slighted you directly.  
DIRK: Did you know her?   
KARKAT: HAHAHAHAHAHA, WHAT!? OF FUCKING COURSE NOT.  
KARKAT: IF SHE’D SO MUCH AS NOTICED ME I’D HAVE DIED ON THE SPOT.  
KARKAT: LITERALLY I MEAN, LIKE I’D HAVE GOTTEN MURDERED, NOT LIKE I WAS FUCKING EXCITED OR ANYTHING.   
DIRK: Don’t worry, I gathered.   
KARKAT: ONLY...GOD, THIS IS GOING TO SOUND FUCKED UP, TRY NOT TO PUNCH ME.  
KARKAT: ONLY IT KIND OF WAS THAT SECOND WAY, TOO. WHEN I WAS YOUNGER.   
DIRK: Uh. Alright. I’m listening.  


Jake was listening too. As was Dave. Neither of them moved, or spoke. Dave’s little dude skittered across the highway in a hilarious ragdoll malfunction, kicking cars right into the sky, but none of you mentioned that. Whatever was going on, you could tell as far as Dave was concerned it was of deadly importance.

KARKAT: IT’S JUST REALLY COMPLICATED.  
KARKAT: WHAT GOT YOU WAS THE PROMISE OF IT. SHE SAID ALL THE RIGHT LINES ABOUT SERVING YOUR QUEEN AND THE EMPIRE AND ALL THAT.  
KARKAT: BUT LOOKING BACK IT’S OBVIOUS SHE DIDN’T REALLY GIVE A SHIT WHAT ANYONE THOUGHT ABOUT HER, SO LONG AS THEY DID WHAT SHE WANTED.  
KARKAT: WHICH IS WHAT MADE HER REAL APPROACH SO CRAFTY.  
KARKAT: EVERYONE HAD A ROLE TO SHOOT FOR, SOMETHING TO EXCEL AT.  
KARKAT: AND THOSE WHO DID WERE HEAVILY REWARDED!  
KARKAT: WE WERE WARRIORS AND CONQUERORS, AND THE HEMOCASTE SHIT WAS A USEFUL RULEBOOK WHEN SHE WANTED SOMEONE MURDERED.  
KARKAT: BUT IN THE END EVEN RUSTBLOODS COULD DO ALMOST ANYTHING, SO LONG AS THEY GOT RESULTS.  
KARKAT: IT WAS RARE, BUT YOU HEARD ABOUT IT.  
KARKAT: AND THAT APPEALED TO ME. INSPIRED ME, EVEN! BECAUSE…  
DAVE: …  
JAKE: …  
KARKAT: …  
DIRK: ...Because?  
KARKAT: …  
KARKAT: SEE, HERE’S THE THING.   
KARKAT: I WASN’T ACTUALLY PART OF ALL THAT.  
KARKAT: EVEN BY REGULAR HEMOCASTE RULES, I WAS AN ANOMALY.  
KARKAT: A MUTANT.   
KARKAT: I HAVE NO IDEA IF YOU’RE AWARE OF THIS ALREADY, BUT MY BLOOD IS BRIGHT RED, JUST LIKE YOU HUMANS.   
KARKAT: AS FAR AS I KNOW, I WAS DAMN NEAR ONE OF A KIND.   
KARKAT: I GUESS THERE WAS MY ANCESTOR OR WHATEVER BUT GOD WHO FUCKING CARES ABOUT THAT.  
DIRK: Ancestors?  
KARKAT: BASICALLY I’M TALKING ABOUT THAT ONE TROLL THAT TALKS A LOT. KANKRI?   
DIRK: Oh. That guy.   
KARKAT: LIKE I SAID, WHO GIVES A SHIT, THAT DOESN’T MATTER.  
KARKAT: WHAT MATTERS IS FOR MOST OF MY LIFE I WAS FUCKING TERRIFIED.  
KARKAT: JUST, PERPETUALLY. I SPENT ALL MY TIME HIDING, CLINGING TO A VAGUE HOPE THAT MAYBE IF I COULD PROVE MYSELF, MY LIFE WOULD FUCKING AMOUNT TO SOMETHING BEFORE I GOT FOUND OUT AND CULLED.   
KARKAT: IN A WEIRD WAY SGRUB WAS THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.  
KARKAT: AT LEAST THE GAME SORT OF GAVE ME A CHANCE TO FAIL ON MY OWN MERITS, INSTEAD OF JUST BEING FUCKED BY BIOLOGY FROM SQUARE FUCKING ONE.   
DAVE: ok you didnt fail at anything and weve established that before, just for the record  
DAVE: but im not tryin to interrupt you can go on  
KARKAT: YEAH ALRIGHT.   
KARKAT: ANYWAY IT JUST  
KARKAT: THROWS ME FOR A FUCKING LOOP NOW.  
KARKAT: FINDING OUT SHE WAS IN ON IT, SOMEHOW. THAT EVEN WITH THE GAME, SHE WAS SOMEHOW INVOLVED.   
KARKAT: AND THAT SHE HAD ALL THESE REDBLOODS LIKE ME JUST, LYING THE FUCK AROUND! AT HER GODDAMN MERCY, NOT HIDDEN OR PANICKED ABOUT HIDING SHIT FROM HER FORCES OR ANYTHING.  
KARKAT: I DON’T WANT TO COME OFF LIKE YOU GUYS DIDN’T GET FUCKED OVER, BECAUSE YOU DID AND IT SOUNDS HORRENDOUS, IT’S JUST...  
KARKAT: LIKE, YOU GUYS EVEN *KNEW* SHE WAS AN EVIL INVADER, SO THERE WAS SOME MORAL WEIGHT ON YOUR SIDE INSTEAD OF  
KARKAT: EVERYTHING AROUND YOU JUST TELLING YOU YOU WERE WRONG.  
DIRK: Yeah, I get that.  
DIRK: I mean, not with the alien shit obviously.  
DIRK: But I can imagine how it would have compounded things considerably when I was going through “The gay stuff”.   
JAKE: “The gay stuff”?  
DIRK: Yes, Jake. “The gay stuff”.  
JAKE: I didn’t know there was “gay stuff”, how come you never told me about the “gay stuff”?  
DAVE: guys we can jam about the gay stuff in a little while but this is kind of a big deal alright  
JAKE: Oh! Yes awful sorry chap do carry on  
KARKAT: IT’S COOL.  


He was already pretty much on top of you, so it was kind of hard to provide encouraging physical contact and let him know he hadn’t messed up all that bad. Letting your hands ruffle through his hair seemed to work well enough, however.

KARKAT: ANYWAY WHAT’S REALLY MESSED UP ABOUT IT ALL IS.  
KARKAT: NOW I HAVE TO WONDER IF SHE WAS PLANNING OUR GAME TOO.  
KARKAT: AND IF SHE WAS, THEN…  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN FOR ME?   
KARKAT: DID I REALLY SPEND MOST OF MY LIFE TRYING TO HIDE SOMETHING THAT WAS JUST, COMMON FUCKING CONSPIRATORY KNOWLEDGE?  
KARKAT: LIKE A DETAIL THAT WASN’T EVEN ALL THAT RELEVANT? JUST LIKE, A NOTE IN ONE OF HER FUCKING BLINGEE FILES OR WHATEVER.  
KARKAT: OH YEAH, THAT FUCKING KID, THE MUTANT. HE’LL JUST AGONIZE ABOUT THAT BULLSHIT AND HAVE NIGHT TERRORS EVERY NIGHT AND THEN START PLAYING THE GAME SO ALL THE TROLLS CAN DIE AND I CAN FUCK OFF.  
KARKAT: GO FIND A NEW BATCH OF KIDS TO TERRORIZE AND TORTURE.  
KARKAT: LIKE DID ANY OF THAT FUCKING MATTER? AT ALL?   
KARKAT: I DON’T HAVE THE SLIGHTEST FUCKING CLUE WHAT HER ANGLE COULD HAVE BEEN BUT NO MATTER HOW I PROCESS IT THE IDEA THAT SHE *KNEW* THE HEMOCASTE STUFF WAS PRETTY MUCH BULLSHIT   
KARKAT: AND LET ME DANGLE ALONG THROUGH IT EVEN KNOWING THE WORLD WAS GOING TO END AND THE WHOLE GARBAGE FUCKING SYSTEM WAS GOING TO DIE BUT DESPITE ALL MY WORRYING I WOULD SURVIVE IN THE MOST RIDICULOUS WAY POSSIBLE  
KARKAT: IT JUST,  
KARKAT: IT PISSES ME OFF SO MUCH MORE THAN IF SHE JUST BELIEVED IN IT?  
KARKAT: OR USED IT FOR POWER OR WHATEVER THE FUCK.  
KARKAT: THINKING MAYBE SHE KNEW WHO I WAS AND I WASN’T FUCKING FOOLING ANYONE SOMEHOW MAKES IT EVEN MORE DEPRESSING THAN HAVING JUST BEEN A COSMIC FLUKE SLATED FOR DEATH BY AN UNCONSCIOUS SYSTEM.  
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW, I’M EXPLAINING THIS BADLY, FUCK.   
KARKAT: IT DOESN’T EVEN REALLY MATTER I GUESS.   
JAKE: No i think it definitely matters!   
JAKE: Maybe not what her intent ultimately was but how you feel about it sure does  
JAKE: It seems to me you’ve definitely earned the right to gripe about it if you want! I mean jeez, i can scarcely even fathom…  
DAVE: yeah i p much couldnt have said that better myself   
DIRK: Wow. Good job, dude.   
JAKE: !  
DIRK: Anyway, if it helps at all.  
DIRK: I don’t know much about her personal timeline, I have a feeling most of that is lost to the endless void of nobody gave a shit about her.  
DIRK: Much like Lord English himself.   
DIRK: But I don’t think she was expecting your personal apocalypse.  
DIRK: It seems to me like here, she acted kind of…  
DIRK: I don’t know. Desperate?  
DIRK: She seemed bitter she’d lost her old kingdom, and she took her frustration out on humanity.  
DIRK: And, well. Us.   
DIRK: She hated her master’s guts, too, after all.   
DIRK: I don’t think she was pleased or blase about her downfall.  
KARKAT: I...ALRIGHT, I GUESS.  
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW IF THAT SHOULD MAKE ME FEEL BETTER.  
DIRK: Probably there’s no real insight into her situation that would really help.  
DIRK: No matter what, the world she tried to give you was utterly, royally fucked.   
DIRK: But we beat her at her own game, and now we’re here.  
DIRK: And she’s fucking dead.  
DIRK: If anything should make you feel better, it should be that.   
KARKAT: FOR ONCE, THAT KIND OF BRUTAL LOGIC GENUINELY MAKES SENSE.   
KARKAT: YOU SPEAK MY LANGUAGE, STRIDER. EVEN IF YOU’D HAVE MADE A GOOD TROLL YOURSELF.  
DIRK: Yeah, probably. Sounds like it would’ve sucked though.  
KARKAT: YEAH. I MEANT THAT FIRST PART THOUGH. THANKS.   
DIRK: No problem.   
DIRK: You know, I wonder if the dersites ever made a grave for her or something.  
DIRK: Me and Roxy were talking about dropping back in, maybe checking that out.  
DIRK: We always did promise each other we’d dance on her fucking grave when we got the chance.   
DIRK: I’d kind of lost the sense of urgency on that idea, but talking about this brought it all right back.  
DIRK: Maybe I’ll message her and the four of us can make a day of it.  
DIRK: Kind of a last farewell. Hey, one last fuck you for the road, you evil hag.  
KARKAT: SOUNDS KIND OF FUCKED UP FOR A HUMAN FUNERAL, TO BE HONEST.  
DIRK: Yeah well, I guess I’m just a morbid kind of guy.  
DIRK: Standing offer if you’re interested though. I know me and Roxy will have a blast.   
KARKAT: I’LL THINK ABOUT IT.  
DIRK: So, were you done?   
DIRK: I didn’t mean to veer us off again, sorry.  
DIRK: Conversational tangents are kind of a thing with me.  
JAKE: You lads don’t know the half of it, he really isn’t kidding.  
DIRK: Hey!  
KARKAT: OH DON’T WORRY, I’M PICKING IT UP QUICK.  
DAVE: its cool tho you dont gotta stop  
KARKAT: YEAH  
KARKAT: ANYWAY I THINK I WAS PRETTY MUCH DONE.   
KARKAT: IF YOU DON’T MIND I THINK I’LL TALK TO YOU GUYS IF I EVER GET MAD ABOUT IT SOME MORE.  
KARKAT: DAVE IS COOL AND HE LISTENS BUT ITS JUST NOT THE SAME AS TALKING TO SOMEONE WHO WENT THROUGH IT, YOU KNOW?  
KARKAT: OR AT LEAST A TOTALLY DIFFERENT, WEIRDLY SIMILAR VERSION OF IT.  
DAVE: yeah i gotta say its sinking in a whole lot harder hearing it spread out between the two of you  
JAKE: Man i feel the same way and i was even directly INVOLVED in the proceedings!   
DIRK: Haha. Well, I wouldn’t mind at all.  
DIRK: It’s kind of blowing my mind hearing this, actually. I never thought there’d be a troll out there like...well, like us, basically.   
DIRK: The mind-boggling reality of the universe is even too much for me, sometimes.  
DIRK: It really is kind of ridiculous.  
KARKAT: I FUCKING KNOW!!!   
DAVE: yeah tell me about it  
JAKE: Jesus fucking mary, no kidding.  
DIRK: Dude.  
DAVE: lmao  
KARKAT: WHAT? WHAT’S SO FUNNY.  
JAKE: Yeah what’d i say!!!   
DIRK: You’d have to understand the concept of incest to understand why it’s funny, Karkat.  
KARKAT: OH  
KARKAT: FUCK NEVERMIND THEN.   
JAKE: ???????????  
DIRK: You’d have to understand a fair bit of Christian mythology to understand why it’s funny, Jake.  
JAKE: Oh bugger all, fine then.  
JAKE: I thought i was doing so well, too.   
DIRK: You are. You don’t need to stress out every time you say something funny, nobody thinks any less of you for it.   
JAKE: That’s isn’t true though, all of you have ripped on me for it! It so obviously bothers you.  
DIRK: That,  
DIRK: Ok, I guess we have all ripped on you pretty hard for that.   
DIRK: But really, dude, it’s cute.  
DIRK: Me and Jane and Roxy all fell for you while you were at your highest point of dramatic corny old man bravado.   
DIRK: You sounded a lot sillier back then, but we all still liked you, right?   
JAKE: Hmm that’s highly suspect as a matter of fact.   
DIRK: Oh.  
DIRK: Wait, what?  
DIRK: Dude, we were crazy about you. Me and Jane especially! I know for a fact you know that.   
JAKE: Well yes in a sense i suppose but i still don’t understand why that is!   
DIRK: Because you’re a dweeby dork who’s nice and likes movies and stuff.   
DIRK: I don’t know, dude, what do you want me to tell you?  
DIRK: You were my best friend. That’s true for Jane, too.   
DIRK: And part of being that cool guy I’m friends with is saying things that sound ridiculous sometimes.   
DIRK: That’s fine. That’s cool! Just because we ended up having SOME problems with each other doesn’t mean you needed to throw out the tub with the bathwater.  
DIRK: As you would so colorfully put it.  
DIRK: There, now I’m saying stupid shit too. Feel better?   
JAKE: Um...actually, yes, i think so?  
JAKE: That...sounds like it makes sense, anyway. I’ll give it a ponder for a while.   
DIRK: Ok, cool. Get back to me when you make up your mind, yeah?  
KARKAT: HOLY SHIT, I THINK YOU FUCKERS MIGHT ACTUALLY BE LEARNING SOMETHING.  
KARKAT: I DIDN’T THINK IT WAS POSSIBLE. DAVE, CAN YOU PINCH ME? I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS REAL.   
DAVE: dude youre being hella rude  
JAKE: No dave it’s fine, really! To be candid he’s completely right about it.   
JAKE: You really are something at this whole relationship thing.  
DIRK: It’s true. Dave can attest to how hopeless I felt about the whole situation between the four of us.  
JAKE: Tavvie could attest to that on my end, too. :(  
JAKE: Oh, the blue one thats also a cat, not the regular one.  
JAKE: That’s still really weird to think about.  
KARKAT: YEAH, WELL. I GUESS I’M STARTING TO FIGURE OUT THAT’S WHAT IT WAS ALWAYS ABOUT FOR ME.  
KARKAT: I THINK THAT MIGHT BE A LOT OF WHAT BLOOD INVOLVES. LIKE, RELATIONSHIPS AND HOW THEY’RE FORMED AND STUFF.  
KARKAT: LOOKING BACK IT’S KIND OF FUCKING OBVIOUS, ACTUALLY.   
DIRK: I think that’s sort of the response you always start to have once you figure it out.  
DIRK: I felt the same way, once I realized how many alternate selves I had lying around, and just how obnoxious they all truly were.   
DIRK: But I don’t think that takes away from what you did for us.   
DIRK: You just kind of saw the hot plate of shit laid out for you, tsk’d with exasperation like a harried mother, and went straight to work basically fixing all my shit for me.   
DIRK: It really makes me believe we’re all kind of good at this whole Godhood thing.  
DAVE: what how do you figure   
DIRK: Well, that’s basically all it is, isn't it?  
DIRK: A god by any sentient relative metric is just an entity that can completely control the reality surrounding it, through its very existence.  
DIRK: Only we’re gods of a sort of pantheon variety, and so everyone has particular vectors their existence is particularly powerful through.  
DIRK: Through the sheer force of being Karkat, he was able to just kind of magically repair the relationships around him.  
DIRK: Even like, inherently ruined ones. Like, being unable to connect was kind of written into our cosmic destiny, you know?   
JAKE: I really hated the nobles thing it was so friggin’ heavy handed all the time.   
DIRK: You said it. But what did it mean to Karkat, Skaia’s predestined condemnation?  
DIRK: That’s right, exactly dick squat.   
KARKAT: OK, OK, NO.  
KARKAT: AS FLATTERING AS IT IS TO HAVE SOMEONE FINALLY RECOGNIZE MY INCREDIBLE LEADERSHIP AS EXACTLY WHAT IT IS--  
DAVE: (!)  
KARKAT: YOU’RE GIVING ME WAY TOO MUCH CREDIT.   
KARKAT: I’VE TRIED TO TALK PLENTY OF ASSHOLES THROUGH THEIR STUPID PROBLEMS, AND MOST OF THEM DON’T FUCKING LISTEN.  
KARKAT: DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TROLL ROMANCE BULLSHIT I HAVE TO WADE THROUGH ON A REGULAR FUCKING BASIS?  
KARKAT: NOT TO MENTION MAKING SURE EVERYONE’S GOT CHECKS ON THE MORE NEFARIOUS TROLLS, LIKE VRISKA AND GAMZEE’S CREEPY FUCKING DISTAFF COUNTERPART WITH THE MOUTH SOWN SHUT AND SHIT!   
KARKAT: THEY NEVER STOP WITH THE STUPID GARBAGE ROMANTIC DRAMA, AND IT’S A FUCKING POWDERKEG WHEN YOU ADD IN THE OCCASIONAL BLACK SPIKES THAT COULD END IN MORTALITY!   
KARKAT: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WE’RE GOING TO FUCKING DO WHEN THERE’S MORE THAN FIFTY OF THESE FUCKERS, LET ALONE *MILLIONS*  
DIRK: Ok, but the fact that you’re facing a challenge literally only comparable to the weight of being some kind of Judeo-Christian manifestation of God made flesh and that you want to surpass expectations by no degree lesser than achieving an utter fucking utopia,  
DIRK: Doesn’t actually undermine my point about your skill at helping people maintain relationships?  
KARKAT: OK, I MEAN, WHEN YOU PUT IT THAT WAY I GUESS.  
KARKAT: I JUST THINK, THERE’S ONLY SO MUCH I CAN FUCKING DO FOR PEOPLE.  
KARKAT: I’M NOT SOME MIRACLE WORKER. I’VE GOT SOME USEFUL THOUGHTS THAT TEND TO HELP, AND MAYBE SOME AMOUNT OF NATURAL TALENT I GUESS, IF YOU *INSIST*.  
KARKAT: BUT NOTHING I SAY OR DO WILL DO JACK SHIT IF YOU AREN’T WILLING TO DO JACK SHIT FOR YOURSELVES!  
KARKAT: IT HAPPENED BECAUSE YOU GUYS WANTED TO MAKE IT HAPPEN AND PUT THE WORK IN, THAT’S ALL I’M SAYING.   
DIRK: Jeez, for a guy who was having a blast talking himself up a minute ago, you sure don’t respond well to flattery.  
DIRK: You have a point there. But it doesn’t really undo my claim, as far as likening us to divinity.  
DIRK: All you’re saying is that you can know stuff and say stuff but ultimately people have free will and it’s up to them to come to you for your wisdom.  
DIRK: That’s a common sentiment presented by divine beings in Human spiritual fiction.  
DIRK: Don’t really know about trolls, though.   
KARKAT: I WOULDN’T EITHER, I ALWAYS HATED THE FUCK OUT OF THAT SHIT.   
DIRK: I find it interesting.   
DIRK: But fine. You could also consider it an extension of my own perception of my aspect.  
DIRK: Of course I’m interested in the way a person’s particular identity impacts the world around them. Using manifestations of my consciousness to impact the world around me is practically all I’ve ever done.   
DIRK: In that sense, all the Aspects do is describe the way different people tend to make the strongest impacts, I guess.   
JAKE: I actually think i follow.  
JAKE: You’re saying it’s what he’s best at, and when it comes to that things would go best if…  
JAKE: He really just believed in himself? And we all believed in him, too?   
DIRK: Heh. Yeah, I suppose so.  
DIRK: Spoken like a true Hope player, I guess?   
DAVE: do you actually think any of that stuff means something  
DAVE: like beyond a bunch of hokey video game melodrama  
DIRK: Oh, I don’t know. I suppose I do? Which is a weird thing to think about.   
DIRK: It makes sense in a way, that Jake would turn out to be a Hope player.  
DIRK: For...reasons.   
DIRK: Let’s just say, the concept of believing in things is one I’ve heard legends about.  
DIRK: At this point it’s practically ensconced in the fold of my personal mythology.   
DAVE: what a totally weird and mysterious thing to say  
DAVE: alright then hotshot philosopher if its all so important then what does time mean for me   
DIRK: Um.   
DIRK: I don’t know?   
DIRK: Possibly nothing. I mean, Time is a physical property, so maybe it’s completely different.  
DIRK: Or maybe it doesn’t have to matter at all anyway? I think that’s probably up to you to decide.   
DIRK: I just know it’s been useful to me.   
DAVE: hmmmm  
DAVE: well it just seems like   
DAVE: you guys got all the cool aspects  
DAVE: with all these deep bonds to connections and people and the promise inherent to living and shit   
DAVE: meanwhile all i got is   
DAVE: time  
DAVE: and like its useful i guess but thats kind of ALL it is  
DAVE: functional. as simple as the functions that allow reality to tick and shit, the way space is.   
DIRK: Hm. Maybe.  
DIRK: Like I said, it’s up to you to decide. I certainly wouldn’t know any better.  
DIRK: I just can’t help but wonder if maybe that Time stuff is what let my Bro like,  
DIRK: Drop in and visit and shit.   
DIRK: If that’s true, maybe it doesn’t have to mean anything intrinsically human?  
DIRK: Maybe just knowing how to work one of the most massive and complicated of reality’s systems is deeply human in and of itself.   
DIRK: And how you use it is what matters. I think that’s probably true of everything else, actually. It’s certainly been true of my Heart garbage.   
DAVE: hm  
DAVE: alright you might have a point i guess  
KARKAT: BY THE WAY? KNOWN NON-HUMAN, CURRENTLY STILL PART OF THIS CONVERSATION, ASSHOLE.   
DIRK: Shit, right, sorry.   
DIRK: Let’s say I said “Inherently sapient” or something else stilted and awkward sounding like that.   
DAVE: ok cool  
JAKE: Guys i am feeling kind of thirsty   
DAVE: shit yeah me too  
KARKAT: WOW, DITTO  
DIRK: Yeah, goddamn.   



	4. Coming Alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Greek Fire is so good and I owe hex so much for introducing me to them (if you arent reading hexmeridian yet go immediately read hexmeridian) 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=316T2ttUAHQ&list=PLYDHdUphc_14gFPrW-_Bz3W_wJe2CW0G3&index=2&spfreload=1

It was quiet and dark and nearly perfect. Dave and Karkat had gone to bed--minutes ago? Hours? Who knew. You only seemed to be getting higher--still riding it up, you guessed.   
There was so much to think about. So much to take in. You felt weirdly fantastic, manic maybe but in a distant and peaceful sort of way. That probably made no sense, actually.

 

As usual, your answer to all the awesome shit that happened tonight was to want Jake. Your answer to practically anything was to want Jake, and you didn’t have any of the detachment or humor you usually used to distance yourself from that mortifying, terrifying fact. That you could want something so badly, all the time, and just have to live with the risk of eventually being denied it. 

But you weren’t scared of that, or angry at yourself. Instead you were...at peace. A quiet observer, gazing with bemusement at how thoroughly you were in fucking love. 

You could hear him breathing. Just by the sound of it you knew he wasn’t asleep. You thought about how weird it was to know that--to be aware of the fact of exactly where Jake was, how he was doing. It wasn’t really that long ago he was essentially a mystery to you most of the time, even with the Brobot scouting for you. 

In the dark you couldn’t see him, though. That sucked. You loved seeing Jake, you thought to yourself. A slow and lazy thought. Languid and unlike you. But it was nice. To relax, to not even have the focus to worry about what a sappy cliche piece of shit you were being. You fully indulged the grin that split your lips when Jake’s voice reached your ears.

JAKE: Hey, dirk.  
JAKE: You still awake bro?  
DIRK: Of course I am.   
JAKE: Hehe.  
JAKE: Can i come over?   
DIRK: …  
DIRK: Sure.   


This was probably kind of weird. Dave and Karkat were, like, right upstairs. But Jake’s weight was pressing down on you all of a sudden and his legs were curled around yours and his hair was tickling your cheek and his thick arms were curling around shoulders and god, you were not good enough to give a shit.

Your hands found their way onto his back almost instinctively, and you weren’t really thinking about it when you started pressing him against you, rubbing with your thumbs into his back. An awkward take on massage, but he groaned a little into your ear and shifted over you and fuck, hell yes to that. 

Jake’s nose grazed your cheek and his lips brushed yours and then he was inside you, his tongue gentle and searching. A soft kiss, no power or dominance. Just questing affection. He held it until he needed to breathe for air, met your lips again, then held it again until finally you did. Then you both took breaths and kissed some more.

This was probably okay, right? Making out and cuddling with your boyfriend was a totally cool thing to do in your brothers’ house. This was safe, over several layers of completely appropriate fabric. Even if you could already feel both of you hard, pressed up against each other, that didn’t make you morally bankrupt. This was chaste, and sweet, and in no way did it add to the case that you were kind of fucked up and couldn’t keep from throwing your boner in Dave’s poor face, no matter which version of you you were. 

Amazingly, between Jake and this mindblowing state of peaceful catharsis, you could actually believe that. You had the thoughts anyway of course but they had no power, hollow and far away. What was close was Jake’s breath on your cheek, his hands cupping your face.   
He broke away, breathing hard, something in him softened. 

He nuzzled his way into the nook between your shoulder and neck and wrapped himself around you, somehow coming off like he was hiding inside you instead of enveloping you.

JAKE: Ahhh gracious, that’s much better.   
JAKE: I’ve been all but dying to get close to you all night.  
DIRK: You spent most of the night practically on top of me, dude.  
JAKE: Well yeah but... you know what i mean.   
DIRK: I mean, I guess.   
DIRK: I probably shouldn’t say this but I still can’t entirely believe you feel that way about me.  
DIRK: I guess it’s just a kind of shitty way of thinking. You’re into girls, and growing up, I always thought that was something I had to overcome. Defeat.   
DIRK: Fucked up as hell, looking back. But I guess I still haven’t entirely shaken it.  
DIRK: ...Sorry.  
JAKE: I suppose that’s fine so long as you’re aware of it.  
JAKE: It’s not like i didn’t know, it’s part of why you can be so gosh darned frustrating.  
JAKE: It just feels like i try and i try but i can never quite reach you.  
JAKE: Not in any lasting sense anyway.   
DIRK: Hey, that’s not true. You can--You do, I mean.   
DIRK: It’s just the kind of thing that takes time, I guess.  
JAKE: Like karkat always says.  
DIRK: Hahah. Yeah.   
JAKE: He really is just the best sort of gent isn’t he.  
DIRK: Yeah. This helps, too, I think.   
DIRK: The weed, I mean. I really have to hand it to Bro, this is kind of amazing.   
JAKE: Yes your bro is honestly full aces in my book right now too.  
JAKE: Only…  
DIRK: Only?   
JAKE: Well i just feel so at ease and nice and tingly all over, and you’re just so…  
JAKE: Man i’m just gonna say it.  
JAKE: Can we just head home dirk? I didn’t want to be selfish since im sure it means a lot to you to do this sleepover thing with dave but…  
JAKE: It’s really kind of awkward here now and cuddling is great and all but i’m really just in the mood to make love to you.   


You didn’t have to bother answering with words. Your answer was the heat immediately pouring off your face and the way your chest heaved and bobbed under the weight of his, the sudden racehorse beating of your heart. You knew it was probably just his corny oldtime speak, just Jake being neurologically incapable of using a word for fucking that existed any time inside the last five centuries, but it still hit you like a bullet. 

Even as you started to protest you were already getting up, Jake floating off and towards the door quietly, leading you by the hand. You captchalogued the biznasty without a single thought, every cell in your brain a burning supernova set off where Jake’s skin clasped around yours. 

The brisk night air made a nice contrast to the molten lava sensation of skin on your hands and the equally intense heat in your dick. You let him float you off your feet, kept up his flying speed only enough so that occasionally he’d look back at you and tug you along. The stars and the moon were bright enough to see by, and the shadowy glimmering green of his eyes was soothing in a way you didn’t think you’d ever experienced before. 

You flew slowly, bumping into each other’s shoulders. Like drunk bumblebees, you thought, because Sollux had started rubbing off on you a little bit probably. Stupid lousy ridiculously efficient biotech. Making your life a true to life cheap body horror thriller.

Your thoughts felt disjointed, in a lazy disarray. You thought about Jake seeking you out in the dark and wanting you. Your cock throbbed and you shivered. It was almost perfect, except that it was quiet. So bizarrely quiet. Maybe you just couldn’t hear anything except for Jake anymore. 

Maybe the entire world had dissolved and now it was just you two and a path to your can that was left. For once your nihilistic spitballing sounded downright pleasing, not scary or potentially true at all. Just a fun, interesting thought. It had no power with Jake right here. 

As much to hear his voice again as to be a smartass as to distance yourself from the ridiculous power of the phrase, you spoke up again as your can came into sight.

DIRK: You know, you probably shouldn’t call it that.   
JAKE: Whuzzat now?  
DIRK: Um. You know. Makin...making…  
DIRK: What you said. It sounds...corny. Embarrassing.   
JAKE: Making love???  
DIRK: Augh. Yeah.  


The response was not what you expected. Immediately Jake tensed up, withdrew somehow. His hand left yours and your heart leapt in fear, and you thought _fuck, now I’ve done it_ and _fuck, now it’s over again,_ and you took it all and crushed it together and stayed perfectly still because Karkat told you to fight the panic. It had worked so far. Maybe you could do better this time. Maybe you could prove you didn’t have to break it all. 

It still stung when he sounded sad but he didn’t stop floating towards the house, and that soothed your nerves somehow.

JAKE: ...That’s awful cruel of you to say, dirk.   
JAKE: I’m fairly certain if i weren’t so discombobulated and if i hadnt spent the night chatting with friggin communication JEGUS in the flesh that would have dealt a big blow to my feelings.  
JAKE: But fine im feeling good so how about i humor you!  
JAKE: What would you have had me say, strider.   
JAKE: Make some suggestions i’m honestly all ears.   


He sounded patient, and composed, and startlingly lucid. Sometimes this Jake came out like a flash of white, a brilliant lightning strike of insight and raw, instinctual understanding. It happened more often, lately. It was like the gears in his head suddenly clicked flush against the wider gears of the universe, and suddenly where before he just kept pace with you he suddenly left you straining to catch his behind. Jake was kind of frighteningly perceptive when he really cared to be, and the fact he could be that sharp and still enjoy life so much reassured you. Gave you hope, you guessed. 

Raw and strung out and vulnerable like this, though, there was no hiding how he looked to you from yourself. Your impression of Jake shifted on it’s axis somewhat, and where you usually saw your dorky, hilarious, sharp and quirky best friend you instead saw the kind of guy who could shape planets. The kind of guy who takes over the world with his company, and then decides on his own how best to bet on the only chance to save anybody. 

The kind of man who could bend the universe into itself, if it was what he wanted. Like to suddenly plant his boyfriend there in his defense, as much for protection as to live out some kind of eccentric prince charming fantasy. Suddenly you realized Jake was blooming, somehow. Coming alive, now that the game was over and the possibilities were as big as every star in the sky. You wondered where that kind of curiosity was going to take you down the line. A helpless passenger strapped to the Jake English wild ride. The question kind of made you feel amazed and terrified. The real adventures hadn’t even started, you thought. 

For now at least, he was taking you to Mumland, silent realm of the totally owned speechless. He’d called your bluff utterly, turned your passive speech ripping habits into a Thing now.   
Or merely pointed out you had done that, more likely, by using it to undercut his perfectly genuine sentiments. 

Suddenly you felt basically like a piece of shit, and if the high was awesome for processing positive sentiments genuinely it was completely fucking you on keeping any sort of grip on your, according to Karkat, completely batshit fucking emotions. His shoulders looked high and pinched as he pushed the door open and let you both inside and you wondered why he hadn’t fucked off and gone home already.

You indulged a bitter thought about how he definitely didn’t want to fuck you now, but mostly just so you could hate yourself that much more. Suddenly your skin was sort of crawling, mostly making you feel like crawling into a hole. 

At your utter lack of an answer, he turned around. The door clicked shut behind you and though you didn’t do it and Jake was too far away, the lights flicked on. He was staring right at you, one furrowed eyebrow and one sarcastically raised one, a sort of pissed off dreamworks character come to life. 

But his voice was cool and restrained and urgent, like he was not budging a single inch from this but also he couldn’t wait for it to be over. And you felt even shittier because you couldn’t help thinking about how fucking hot his voice was then even if it only sounded that way because he was sick to death of your shit.

JAKE: Alright if that’s how you’re going to be then i’ll just give it some guesses.   
JAKE: Should you want i say fucking instead?   
JAKE: Banging? Fornicating, ramming, riding the jimmy pogo…  
JAKE: What? What’s the turn of phrase that you’ll actually accept?   
DIRK: ...I,  
DIRK: Look. Sorry--  
JAKE: No dirk i dont want you to be sorry!  
JAKE: Just, fucking bejeezus bro, just stop being bitey all the time and just LISTEN to me!  
JAKE: It doesn’t matter what the answer is because none of those mean the same thing!  
JAKE: I know what words are and i know i speak differently!  
JAKE: It’s not because i’m fucking stupid! It’s that the way my words sound are how i feel in my head.  
JAKE: I don’t want to change it and i don’t appreciate always being mocked for it, if you like me so damn much i can scarcely imagine why because the very way i talk seems to be something you cant stand sometimes!  
JAKE: Just, jeez, it’s so exhausting. I can’t just let my guard down and speak for even a second when it’s about us.  
JAKE: It’s the same thing as when i friggin’ kissed your head!  
JAKE: All my fantasies and thoughts of romance and all the stuff i wanted to tell you and you just…  
JAKE: Didn’t want any of that.  
JAKE: You just wanted to stand around and trade tattoos and adventure and make out and stuff.   
JAKE: But all the stuff i imagined and dreamed about were things you just...didn’t care about?   


You thought you’d felt bad in your life, before. You hadn’t. Feeling bad was having that perfect night with Jake and the boys and then opening your big fat mouth and tearing the whole thing apart. It was remembering Jake’s weight and heat pressing up against you just minutes ago and now seeing him with shoulders drawn tight and a forlorn face studded with watery eyes.

Eyes that were watery because of you.

JAKE: You just don’t give a moment’s thought to relaxing and just enjoying each others’ presence.  
JAKE: You go on and make your grand overtures of romance i just kind of watch and then the moment we’re arm in arm you go right back to making everything into a logical power game and a big joke.  
JAKE: You’re always griping about not being able to believe how i feel about you but whenever i want to try telling you, you just slap me off and slap down a bunch of distance between us!  
JAKE: I said making love because i WANTED TO MAKE LOVE, and that was important to me, and it matters if you also feel that.  
JAKE: I don’t know what to think about being with you like that if you just think of it as fucking, i don’t know, it just makes me feel like i could be anyone.   
JAKE: I can’t just KNOW you actually want this through the sheer force of your feelings if you never really tell me or even afford me more than a moment’s purchase inside your heart.  
JAKE: And now i just feel like i’m blabbering, and i don’t even know if i’m getting through to you and i was feeling so good tonight and…  
JAKE: Man, just…  
JAKE: Whatever.  


You actually thought if you were sober this might have broken you. Even now maybe you were feeling something snap. But you were buoyed somewhat by feeling so airy and dreamy, like this was a bad dream you would wake up from any minute now. You knew you wouldn’t, but believing it helped you focus, helped you fight the fear and try to keep to the task at hand. A trick you had learned from the boy whose heart you were apparently determined to break. 

He bit his lip when the first tears fell and Jake English was crying, he was fucking crying, and buddy if you’d committed seppuku on the ground just then you were deadly certain your death would’ve been Just. Because Jake English was crying because of you. Suddenly your chest and throat felt too tight and your own eyes stung in answer but no tears came. 

You tried to get closer, put your arms around him or something. He rebuffed you but gently, without bite or anger. He just leaned against the wall instead and wiped occasional tear with the bottom of his palm. Good, you told your helpless arms. At least he could trust the walls not to suddenly push him a way. You tried for words instead but you felt broken somehow, too slow and too slurry. Maybe that was good too? Maybe you really were simply broken, unable to express genuine romance by regular standards. Maybe being intoxicated and offbeat was the only real shot you had.

JAKE: Augh, fuck, i…*sniff* i didn’t mean to get all snively man, i’m sorry  
JAKE: I’m just...kind of sensitive right now, just give me a second…  
DIRK: No it’s... it’s alright. Don’t apologize.  
DIRK: I’m...sorry. I really am, jesus dick.  
DIRK: I feel the same way, honestly.  
JAKE: Pfffffff yeah RIGHT! I’ll believe it when i see it, bro!!  
DIRK: …  
DIRK: Jake,   
DIRK: That was mean.   
JAKE: ...Yes, i suppose. Sorry.   
JAKE: You would know.   


He said that last part in a bitter mutter, looking away from you with a resentful scowl. Another sharp pang in your heart. You’d earned that, even if this time your eyes really did threaten to overflow, so you didn’t contest it. Maybe this was what he wanted? Ordinarily you think you’d be freaking out by now, shut yourself down or absconded. Anything other than let Jake see you in a moment of weakness. 

You focused almost everything into your hand, trying to perform a single, deliberate action. Trying to raise it to your head. It was excruciatingly difficult to focus on something so precise and simple, but it was better than your mind exciting in this awful new reality where you’d destroyed your entire relationship again, probably. Karkat would have called that a dramatic sentiment, you reminded yourself. Your progress glasses-ward still stalled out fast when Jake started speaking again. You blinked and a drop of water spilled and rested on your cheekbone without a sound. Invisible to him. You really were going to have to start wearing these less. 

Jake let out a sad, loose sigh and gathered himself. He was so much better than you at this. He was so much better than you in general.

JAKE: Just...the jokes and quips are great fun a lot of the time.  
JAKE: I don’t want you to think i hate our friendly ribbing or anything, that stuff is always a smashing good time and all it’s just…  
JAKE: When it turns into just ALL THE TIME and when i’m trying to say things that are important to me it just feels like that...undermines the whole enterprise?  
JAKE: And like you just aren’t listening and don’t care how i feel.  
JAKE: And it just wears me down it’s so exhausting and nerve-wracking.   
JAKE: Especially when you’re so caring and sweet about looking out for me when we’re with OTHER people so i just don’t understand it dirk, i know how smart you are so it’s definitely not shortsightedness on your part.   
JAKE: And the only conclusion that leaves me with is that you really don’t care.   
JAKE: Which just makes me question why all the drama and sentiment behind your courtship, you told me it wasn’t just that i was the only guy around and i try hard to believe you but frankly you make it really gosh darn difficult!  
JAKE: I just wish you’d let me feel as safe with you as you make me feel around everybody else, it’s the exact same as the brobot garbage.  
JAKE: Whenever theres any other serious threat theres dirk to make everything better and kiss my bruises and all!   
JAKE: Just god forbid i have any positive feelings about it because he’ll make sure to be the next thing to worry about before i have the time to tell him.   
JAKE: Are you even listening? Is this sinking in at all? I sure can’t tell! Good old Di-Stri can spin entire novels with his tongue unless you’re trying to get something a teensy bit genuine out of him.   
DIRK: It’s sinking in. I just don’t want to interrupt you.   
DIRK: For the record, though, I’m really not as smart as you think I am.   
DIRK: But...I’m listening.   
JAKE: Yes well you’ll excuse me if i hold off my excitement on the subject.   
JAKE: We’ve been here before after all. I really thought maybe we were past it when we started getting more intimate but no apparently this is just the rest of our lives i guess.   
DIRK: You wouldn’t put up with me for the rest of our lives.  
DIRK: You’ll get sick of me and move on, let’s be honest.   


Shit. You hadn’t meant that to come out so raw and honest. You hadn’t even been aware it was on your mind. Instead it was just an undercurrent, a perpetual subprocess finally given a voice. Jake recoiled, stared straight at you with wide, horrified eyes. His mouth gaped. Worked a little. Settled into a pout. He looked down at the ground and did a little kick with his foot, boyish and petulant and adorable. You really hoped you hadn’t just blown your last chance at making things work.

JAKE: ...Maybe, if you really kept it up.   
JAKE: But...as shameful as it is to admit, i really don’t think so.   
JAKE: For a while i guess i could keep away, but…  
JAKE: We’re supposed to just...keep living for eternity, now?   
JAKE: Like just, on and on, forever and ever?   
JAKE: I don’t know, something about that sounds...horrible. Scary, even.   
JAKE: I can’t imagine being alone for that long.  
JAKE: And i would be, even if i “moved on” as you so charmingly put it.   
JAKE: Nobody else knows me like you do. Nobody else puts me at ease like you do.  
JAKE: I could have some fun times with some trolls or something i guess, but at the end of the day what does that really do for me?   
JAKE: They aren’t you. Nobody in this entire universe is you except for you.   
JAKE: So if you’ve known me all these years and been through all these adventures with me and you still can’t find it in yourself to just be honest with me about your feelings and open up and it’s really not worth the trouble to make me feel loved then…  
JAKE: Then maybe actual love really isn’t real after all.  
JAKE: Certainly it means i don’t deserve it in the end.   
JAKE: I think karkat would yell at me for saying something like that but...what can i do? It’s god’s honest fucking truth. That’s how i feel.   
JAKE: As far as i’m concerned, there’s nobody but you.   


You closed your eyes and two more tears spilled out. One of them curled over your cheek but Jake wasn’t looking at you, staring off into the empty middle distance of your living room. You reminded yourself that this was your house, and he was still here, and that was it’s own sort of progress. Reminded yourself you’d been in deeper waters. You knew he was right anyway, and with this woozy feeling in your head all the voices that normally rose up to deconstruct and protest had been rendered silent. Letting you think. Letting you feel. 

That was too much to think about, too much to try to understand, but for once you knew what to do about that. You didn’t try. You just let his words wash over you, let them seep into your skin. Tried as hard as you could to parse Jake English the boy who liked girls and movies and guns and skulls as the same Jake English whose heart was in pieces because of you, who was bruised and battered and scared all the time, who liked to come to you for safety and warmth despite knowing you’d make it a habit to stab him for it. 

Suddenly the fact that you were doing that, had ever done that, felt like the worst thing in the world to you. You had a very clear image of yourself as Bro once again. Tried to imagine what it would be like if there were no Jake at all, ever, not in your entire life. Tried to imagine the poison and the self-hatred and the loneliness filling you up and drowning you.

It was still there right now, doing it’s damndest--some cracked and infected part of your heart seeping bile inside you. But you were aware of it viscerally, and maybe if you were strong enough for long enough you could find a way to clean it out. Be better. 

Jake seemed to believe you could, at least. You could cling to that. If not for yourself, maybe you could find a way to do it for him. 

The thought became your arm which became your shades in your hand in an instant.   
Jake looked up at you and his eyes widened, threatened to well up again. You weren’t crying very much, but you also weren’t trying to hide it. Your glasses dissapeared into your sylladex and this time, when you tried to draw closer, Jake didn’t pull away. 

You took his hand and held it and being able to hold it made your eyes flood all over. More tears, no sounds. Except that you sighed and your breath came a little harder. You held his hand up from his slouch and he stared up at you, came willingly when you pulled him closer. His eyes didn’t move from the streaks of water on your face, like he was trying to understand them or he was just confused at what he was seeing. 

His chest pressed against yours gently, both of you close together. You tried to find words, any words at all, and failed utterly. Tried again. Jake’s free hand reached your face and his rough thumb stroked a tear off your cheek and you bit your tongue and closed your eyes, more water spilling. In the dark of your eyelids the world spun and swiveled, Jake the only anchor in the universe. As usual.

JAKE: You’re...crying?  
DIRK: I...yeah.   
DIRK: I’m not very good at it. Sorry.   
JAKE: Your voice sounds different. So husky and short…  
JAKE: I...don’t know if i like it. Is it messed up if i like it a little? I think maybe it means you care, but i wish you didn’t have to be hurt to show it…  
JAKE: Man, i dunno. I don’t know what i want from all this anymore.   
DIRK: That’s fine. I’ll take over for a minute, just listen to me.   
DIRK: It’s not...I’m never really trying to make fun of you.  
DIRK: I definitely wasn’t then. I like how you talk, it’s cool.  
DIRK: I just...I get scared. Or I just am scared, all the damn time.   


Your voice raised in pitch in a weird way, and you thought: Oh, so you’re actually crying. This included all the typical physiological responses. This...matters, you guess? How you feel matters in this case? At the very least insofar as it’s in the damn way, but you suspected there was a deeper truth there, a more obvious one. That you were still too stubborn to see. 

But Jake’s eyes were enormous and looking right at you, and something about that made your mouth dry up and your lips press tight and quiver. You thought about him wiping off his eyes and apologizing and wiping off his eyes again and you never ever wanted to see him feel that way again. You focused on that and let yourself tip over the cliffside.

DIRK: I’m sorry, Jake. About everything.   
DIRK: It’s not that I don’t care, of course I do. I just...get caught up in the habit, I guess? It’s a way to keep things friendly and casual I guess.   
JAKE: Augh yes i know and its a barrel full of fun but sometimes i don’t want friendly and casual!   
JAKE: Sometimes i want romance and passion and care and i don’t think that’s too much to ask for outside of bed every so often!  
JAKE: I can remember that for so long but it can be hard to keep hold of when you just go out of your way to be so distant all the time.   
DIRK: I...yeah. I can understand that.   
DIRK: Like I said, I’m...sorry.   
DIRK: Will you believe me if I promise to do better?   


He groaned and let his head drop against your chest, pressing into it. The fringes of his dark hair tickled your neck. His arms wrapped around your back and squeezed and you could feel him wiping his wet face on your shirt, which today bothered you not the slightest.

JAKE: Dirk that question is as preposterous as it is offensive.  
JAKE: Of course i believe in you. I’ve never ever stopped.  
JAKE: Why else would i even be here? You sure can be slow on the uptake for such a smart bloke sometimes.   
DIRK: I…  
DIRK: Ok, that’s…  


You had something great to say, you were sure of it. You were totally going to rock the fuck out of this reconciliation. Instead whenever you tried to get words out your throat closed up and your chest hitched. Jake squeezed you tighter to him and drew his head back up to look at you with his big green eyes, and suddenly you couldn’t take it--something broke, some door torn off it’s hinges. 

You looked away because you couldn’t handle him seeing you like this and managed to hide and further embarrass yourself in one fell swoop, now you were the one bending down and hiding against his chest and shoulders. When you spoke up from the warmth and safety your voice sounded muffled and cracked, straining against the weight of words you didn’t even know you were saying.

DIRK: It’s just so…*Sniff*  
DIRK: There’s so fucking MUCH to it, Jake. I could stay awake forever just trying to count them, it’s terrifying.   
DIRK: All the things about you that make me feel better --hic-- that make me love you over and over and over again.   
DIRK: I just want to drown in you, all the goddamn time. I’ve wanted to forever.  
DIRK: I like your green and the way you talk and even your taste in movies and how you try so hard and enjoy life so much.  
DIRK: I don’t understand how you do that, just ENJOY things, but fuck it makes me feel like it’s okay for me to do it too.  
DIRK: I told you, already. I figured out I was into boys because of you. Because I had to try to make sense of how you could make me feel so good and at peace all the time.   
DIRK: But it was just so much love to carry, and I did it for years, and I was so used to the idea that you would never feel that way about me.  
DIRK: Or at least the fear of it, I guess. Even when I fought it with logic and whatever.  
DIRK: And I’m just not over it, not past it. You’re right here and holding me and I’m making you cry because I’m a fucking asshole but it still doesn’t really feel real.  
DIRK: And I just…  


The thing that just escaped your lips was not a mere cry. It was a sob. It was silent and deafening and desperate, more than anything it was desperate, and you were so so tired. Jake’s arms increased their pressure around you, his hands clawed in deeper into your back and you could feel the length of his chest and belly so closely pressed into yours he may as well have been the entire universe. 

His shoulders hitched and when he spoke up it sounded strangled somehow, and something about the tone was undeniable. So undeniable you had no choice but to believe.

JAKE: But i feel that way, too!   
JAKE: I decided i didn’t care about gender because i thought it was unfair to think something as trite as that meant we couldn’t be together.   
JAKE: And i always want to share everything with you and do everything with you but you just make it a point to be above it all, all the damn time!   
JAKE: And i’m trying, i’m trying so hard but what am i supposed to do if you don’t even trust me!  
JAKE: Just...tell me what to do, dirk, come on.   
JAKE: Whatever it is, i’ll do anything. Just stop hiding from me, stop fighting me off and making me feel unwanted, man.   
JAKE: I just can’t take that anymore.   


You bit your bottom lip hard, tears spilling like rivers now. You gasped against his chest and he pulled you up, his hand lifting your chin and taking your eyes to his. His eyes were green on white, perfect and clear. You knew for sure yours were orange on red, bloodshot all the way through, but he didn’t seem to care about that. He just waited, expectantly. 

_Of course I believe in you. I’ve never ever stopped._

DIRK: I think  
DIRK: You don’t need to do anything special.  
DIRK: Maybe it’s the weed but... I think I believe you right now.  
DIRK: And if it’s that then I’m pretty sure I’m staying high for the rest of my life, I never want to not feel like this again.   
DIRK: You know, crying and hurting you aside.   
JAKE: Yeah we could probably lose the sobbing and heartache i agree.  
JAKE: But that doesn’t get you out of my request mister.  
JAKE: What would you like to do?  
DIRK: ...I’m not sure if I’d be an asshole for suggesting it.  
JAKE: Dirk being assholes is a well-established part of all of our personal mythologies, i think it’s high time we just stopped worrying about it.  
JAKE: At least when i’m asking you for honesty.  
DIRK: Alright. That’s true, I suppose.  
DIRK: …  
DIRK: If I,  
DIRK: Didn’t fuck up so hard you want to just go home now.  
DIRK: And if this is still something even potentially on the table.  
DIRK: Maybe you can show me what you were trying to say, earlier?  
JAKE: What, you mean with…  
DIRK: Yeah. God, this is going to make me cringe in the morning, but.  
DIRK: Make love to me, Jake.   


His lips pressed in so hard against yours you thought he might split them, and his hands stormed under your clothes like an army laying siege on a castle. Before you knew it the buckle of your belt was undone, your jeans’ zipper torn open. Jake’s strong hand groped at rubbed at you over the black-orange cloth of your boxers and he tore a little sound out of your mouth that was half moan and half cry. 

His his other hand he pushed your shirt up, up, up to your shoulders, finding abs and pecs and nipples and neck. You helped him the rest of the way, lifting your arms and pulling the shirt off of you. He grinned with satisfaction with his eyes on your naked torso and his hand on your cock and said


	5. Never Look Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vienna Teng is amazing and you should do yourself a solid and think about brain ghost dirk the first two lines of this song:
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V0KmI0b1oAs
> 
> It's been fun! I might write a complementary Davekat smut chapter because god knows I love Davekat too, but this is essentially finished for now.

JAKE: No.  


You weren’t crying anymore, exactly, but your face felt wet and raw.  
You stalled out so hard you were suddenly sure nothing was real at all. He must have noticed his misstep because he backtracked, nervous and flustered.

JAKE: I mean, not immediately anyway, not like this.  
JAKE: Don’t get me wrong the crying was weirdly awesome if messed up it’s nice that you care that much but...i don’t think i want to make love all sad like that.  
JAKE: I’d rather we build back up to how it felt earlier, we were so happy and that was the best.   
DIRK: You think we can do that that quickly?  
DIRK: We plunged down pretty hard, dog.   
JAKE: We can. I know we can. I’m already going up, i can scarcely even help myself you’re just...the best.  
JAKE: But i could stand to go up another way too, actually.  
DIRK: That’s right. You’re...not high at all, are you? What the fuck?  
JAKE: I really dont have the foggiest, i think i used my powers to sober up most of the way.   
JAKE: But it seems like all that sad stuff is taken care of and i’d rather that not be how i remember tonight so i mean, if you wouldn’t mind working the biznasty again…?   
DIRK: I think I can do one better than that, actually--  
JAKE: Pfffhahahahah!  
DIRK: What? What’s so funny?  
JAKE: Oh i didnt mean to make fun its just,  
JAKE: Yes thats about right. You always can.   


He said it with shining eyes and a heartmelting, sheepish little smile. His cheeks blushing hard. But he didn’t look away from you at all, and to your amazement you couldn’t look away either. Couldn’t find any way to blunt the simple affection of the sentiment. 

You grinned a little grin back at him instead.

DIRK: Ever wanted to try doing smoke tricks?   


His eyes lit up like you’d known they would. After all, he was the kind of guy who loved James Bond--

JAKE: You mean like with thick smoke? Like in the older james bond movies???   
DIRK: You know it. I got you.   


The kiss this time was all tongue, muscle overpowering. You let him have his way, just like you let him dig under your waistband and pull your pants down. You thought he’d said to wait but who cared, whatever Jake wanted was perfectly fine with you. Then your pants were around your ankles and Jake was holding you, tugging on you gently. Your knees bent and shook and you quivered, wrapped your arms around his shoulders for support. Jake grinned at you, making dead sure to look directly into your eyes. His other hand held you up and close to him, made it impossible to move away even if you’d been inclined to. 

He kept on going, not breaking his rhythm, not breaking his smile, not breaking your eye contact. He kept it up until you had to bite your lip and you were making a high groaning noise deep in your throat, oh god, the sensation was enormous. 

You’d thought you were sensitive before but the high magnified everything to the size of celestial bodies, to lightning that traversed light years and cosmic thunder. When he eased up and let go you nearly collapsed with a whimper, would have fallen on your ass if not for him holding you up. 

With shaky breath, you leaned against him as you kicked yourself out of your pants and sneakers and socks. You heard him mutter a quiet ‘Splendid’ under his breath. There was no ignoring or skirting around the weight of his attention--his eyes were on you and you only.  
You turned away from him, fighting against every inch of your body. Deployed the Biznasty and messed with its settings. Jake watched and let you work, but made sure you were aware he was slowly undressing in the backdrop. 

You adjusted it’s settings and now it worked kind of like a blunt--you held it up to your face and put your lips to the nozzle, pulled in a deep suck. Made sure to look at Jake while you did it, and were rewarded with the image of him jumping on one leg out of his jeans, his hard cock bouncing. God you wanted to touch it. Jake was still looking at you, completely aware he looked stupid and awkward, completely aware you couldn’t resist him for a second. He was grinning. 

 

There was a bizarre sort of taste to the smoke, but not one you could readily identify. This thing was practically designed to make the ride as smooth as possible, but you still managed to overshoot, and suddenly you were coughing. Your throat burned, in desperate need of water. Luckily you’d known to pack a shitload in your sylladex, so you popped a bottle into your hand and chugged through the cough. That helped. 

You looked at Jake through bleary, watery eyes. Everything had you tearing up today, apparently. But to be honest you were getting used to Jake seeing you that way, and it wasn’t that bad. It certainly didn’t help that you were both naked, even if that little burst had taken the sails out of your cock. Jake’s dick was less hard than before, too, and the curve of his eyebrows suggested expectant concern. Your voice sounded hoarse and raw when you spoke.

DIRK: So uh. That bullshit I just did? Don’t do that.  
DIRK: Small pulls so you won’t hurt yourself. This burning shit is really unpleasant.   
JAKE: Jiminy dirk that sounds awful, are you gonna be alright???  
DIRK: Yeah, it should fade in a couple of minutes, just give me a second.   
JAKE: Um...alright if you say so. That smoke was pretty hot, though.  
DIRK: I wouldn’t know, seeing as I was busy hacking and wheezing.  
JAKE: Can i give something a shot? You’re gonna have to trust me with your mouth if i do.   
DIRK: Please, Jake. There’s no parts of me I don’t trust you with.   


The sincerity of the statement surprised both of you. Jake damn near swooned, the impact of it cutting right through him. He took the biznasty from you gratefully, drew closer to you as he pulled in from it. He grinned and it was earnest and friendly and like staring into the sun. This wasn’t exactly being best friends, given that you were both naked. But if you were pointedly aware of his intentions for you, it was a distant sort of awareness. Soon enough he would take you, but for now he just wanted to hang out and share each other’s company. A sort of heightened friendship state, not quite the unrelenting passion of your sex just yet. 

Maybe this was what it meant to be in boyfriends with someone? You felt like you understood it a little better, like maybe Karkat would be giving you a grim smile and a thumbs up. 

He pulled the tube out of his lips right as the buzz from your hit wrecked you. Suddenly everything felt enormous and exponentially magnified--the temperate air of the room, the heat washing off Jake, the white curves of the new toy you were playing with and the animal contours of both your bodies. He let just a little bit of smoke leave his lips in a puff and it was bright, bright, bright white--like shimmering stardust. It flowed out of him like silk or clouds, hung in the air between you. 

He closed the distance between you and pressed his lips close against yours. You could feel him holding his breath until you opened wide in answer and then he was filling you up, literally giving you oxygen (Carbon dioxide? Jake could probably literally turn it into oxygen if he wanted so who even knew, or gave a shit). But more than that he was giving you hope, he was giving you himself, and you had the insane impression you could literally feel the quality of the light coming off his glowy weedhope smoke bullshit in your inner skin, feel it warming up your insides. 

It snaked down your throat and where your own air had hurt you, his was deeply soothing. Like a glass of water times a thousand. He replenished and restored you, made you healthy and whole. You fed it right back to him in a push but the feeling of something shining deep inside you didn’t waver. 

Then it turned out that needing to breathe was still a goddamn thing, so you both had to stop kissing. Someday you were going to have to help Jake figure out how to fix that shit. The design of reality was such fucking garbage, but you appreciated that whatever forces constituted God had at least deigned to grace your life with the ultimate debug tool in the shape of your gorgeous, perfect, ridiculous boyfriend. 

You decided you should probably tell him all that, but by the look he was giving you you realized you already had. You’d started rambling without even being aware of it. Suddenly the amount of control the high was claiming from you was kind of scaring you, but it was a lot less scary when you had nothing to hide and nothing but good words to give.

Especially when it led to Jake’s stunned expression flowering into a genuine grin that overtook his whole face, when it led to him squaring his shoulders and puffing up with pride like this. His dick was rock hard again, a proud perpendicular exclamation point of his self-satisfaction, and it kind of blew your mind that all it took to make him feel this good about himself were a few words of appreciation from you.

JAKE: Haha gosh man when you put it like that i sound pretty awesome!  
DIRK: Yeah, well. You are.   
JAKE: :))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))8  
DIRK: Hahah. You’re cute.  
JAKE: Yeah well you’re adorable!  
DIRK: Yeah well…  
DIRK: Shit.   


Any attempt to talk drowned under the intense blush taking you over now. Jake had called you adorable. And to be fair, you kind of were being adorable--these short and simple little gushes of affection were fit to give anyone a diabetic coma. 

Jake bumped into you, pushing you onto the couch, both of you giggling like a couple of stooges. His leg curled around yours, his leg hair tickling you. You were hard and he was hard but you actually weren’t paying too much attention to that just now, you were too taken in by the all of him. The pleasant hills of his balls were kind of like the cherry on ice cream in answer to that--a concept you’d never even understood until just weeks ago, when Jake had badgered you into trying it despite your mistrust. John’s idea, insisted upon loudly and annoyingly once he’d realized just how many of you had never had a taste of the stuff. Jane had backed him up on it. 

It had been nice. You remembered wanting to curl your arm around Jake’s hips, tried to give him warmth as his shoulders clenched and he shivered at the cold pleasure. You hadn’t then, but maybe you ought to have. 

You did now. Just like you let yourself rest your head around his shoulder, and didn’t even make it sexual or dramatic or really sardonically humorous or anything like that. You could practically feel him swell with joy and relief, he was so affected by even your slightest shows of affection. It was fucking obvious how badly he needed it. How deeply he yearned for you. How much he loved you. 

For a second the love you felt for him, for Jane, for Roxy, the love that pumped in you like thunder every instant of every breath--that love became visible. Usually it was unseen, a constant embrace where you never saw each other’s faces. Now it was alive and lightning, orange against sky blue against pink against green. Like you could see all your souls shining, burning bright, and you could trace maps on all the places your hearts blended into each other’s. 

You wondered if you would come to love the others like that, besides Dave and even Karkat. Would time and friendship make everyone in your life seem so necessary? If it was possible, it was also kind of scary. Even just loving Jake like this, it made you feel like you were transcending humanity. Becoming something divine and godly. Maybe you all really were gods, after all. Maybe that’s all sentient life ever is. 

And that. The parts of Jake that burned alight when you touched him, when you delivered a compliment or two, when you so much as smiled. Like your orange had threaded inside of him and played him from the inside, making him glow a shining green.

How had you missed that until now? Now that you could you see how it pleased him, how could you ever stop? You had a feeling you were going to be annoying everyone if you hung out in public for a little while. It was a reassuring sentiment, like a promise you weren’t going to go ahead and backtrack as soon as tomorrow came. You could make it better. You could really improve. You believed in it, wholeheartedly, so long as Jake believed in you.

JAKE: Hehehehe see this isnt half bad is it???  
DIRK: No, you’re absolutely right.  
DIRK: This isn’t...this isn’t half bad at all.   
DIRK: Mmm. You smell nice. Like…  
DIRK: Milk and pumpkins.   
JAKE: U-uhm...yikes and yowza…://S8  
JAKE: I have no idea what you’re talking about dirk but   
JAKE: Lordy i don’t have the words for how exciting that was to hear.  
DIRK: Don’t worry, buddy, at this view I can totally tell from here.   
JAKE: Oh...heheh yes i guess thats accurate.   
JAKE: Were you...speaking in rhyme just then?  
DIRK: Yep. I’m going to take up Dave’s rap projects and start writing romantic freestyle any old time I feel like.   
DIRK: It’s gonna be sappy as shit, yo. Get ready for the deadly rivers of gushy boyfriend honey, a common trap on hellmurder island.   
DIRK: Figure it’s been long enough since I worked on my vocal talents, and I’m sure Dave would be psyched.   
DIRK: Not to mention you.   
DIRK: Maybe I can tell you gushy stuff in a way thats at least slightly cooler than this.  
JAKE: o_o;;  
JAKE: Yes well if you happen to follow up on that idea be sure to keep me updated.  
JAKE: I wouldn’t want you to feel beholden or anything though.  
JAKE: But regardless whether your prose has increased coolness or not i promise you it’ll find a smashing reception with me!   
DIRK: Haha. I know, Jake.   


You snuggled closer into him, pressing your chest against the side of his. He curled his arm around your shoulder and you felt a completely bewildering sense of peace. You could not possibly feel this way and not get attacked by a codpiece wearing juggalo with a fucked up face or something. It was like, a law that being this happy had to be setup for some kind of terrible obnoxious slasher movie clown attack. Or reality crumbling out from under you. Or some garbage.

But the world just went on not ending, and you couldn’t actually think about being scared about it. You couldn’t think about anything much because this was just too damn perfect, eyeful of Jake’s cock whenever you were laying and relaxing, Jake’s glowing, smiley face whenever you happened to look up. 

He sprawled his legs at angles and stretched out over his back. Relaxed and settled his grip on you as he let out a satisfied sigh. He pulled you deeper into him even as he removed something from his sylladex. You didn’t see it but you knew what it was. He pressed his lips deep in your hair and kissed you and took a deep breath. Bizarre, but at this point literally anything was erotic and exhilarating.

JAKE: Hey dirk?  
JAKE: Uh, if you’re still in the mood and all..  
JAKE: I think i would like to make love to you now.   
DIRK: I’m all yours, my dude.   
DIRK: Want me to do anything specific?   
JAKE: Um...maybe,  
JAKE: Maybe straddle my lap?   
DIRK: Well damn, if that isn’t the finest thing I ever heard get said.   


You put deliberately put your hand on the bit of couch between Jake’s legs, under his balls. Your knuckles brushed against them and you enjoyed the hiss on Jake’s throat as you pushed yourself up. Your nose grazed his and it was the most cheesy romantic comedy bullshit ever and he loved it and god help you, you loved it too. Without a shred of self-consciousness. 

Your hooked your leg up and over and swung yourself on top of him gently, taking care not to hurt anything. You let your ass come down and rest against his dick, let it brush up against the small of your back. He moaned and put one had on your leg, another firm against your cock. You groaned in answer, arching yourself backwards. God, he was perfect. 

He was looking up at you now, the slight beard scruff and excited, awed little furrow of his eyebrows making him look overwhelmed and fucking precious, in a way that made you feel like you would do anything, anything at all to protect him. Especially from yourself. If that meant breaking the damn walls you were so in love with, you would do that for him. You would find a way to save your soul for him.

JAKE: Come down here, strider.   


And you did. You knelt down and let your legs settle, dropping into position, Jake’s entire cock rubbing up against your back. It was so warm and you wanted him inside you, fucking immediately. You felt electric and alive, and hearing Jake squirt lube into his palms in the back distance was making you nearly vibrate with excitement. Tell him, you reminded yourself, even though it was mortifying to try.

DIRK: Jake...come on, please.  
DIRK: I want it so fucking bad.   
JAKE: Woah jeepers dirk, i love the enthusiasm but i promise i’m going as fast as i can! ://B8  
JAKE: Hold your horses and give me a second…  
DIRK: I’m not holding any horses, Jake.   
DIRK: The horses are loose and out of the kennel and whinnying up a storm.  
DIRK: All the crows are flying the fuck off the handle, cawing and shit all like aw man what the fuck is with this field of horses suddenly stampeding over our shitty scarecrow.  
DIRK: They are so much more spooky and ominous than we are this halloween themed barn is quickly losing its need for crows.  
DIRK: What will we do to feed the young ones if they lay us off??? They have fields of horses we dont stand a goddamn shot--  


Jake’s wet finger pressed against the tight muscle of your ass and you yelped and jumped away from it a little, but immediately relaxed and leaned in again. You let out a moaning sigh. Your head was thudding with pleasure and his left hand was just barely tugging at your dick and you felt fucking incredible. 

You bent down and kissed him, your tongue doing the exploration this time. He made short work of you, rubbing at your hole in rapidly increasing rhythm. Soon you were wet and pliable and he gently thrust his finger inside, forcing a moan out of you. The tugging on your dick felt like an electric power surge. 

He giggled and smiled, his eyes warm and beautifully deep green. You tried to think of something to say but a second one of his fingers quickly followed, fast enough to make you shout and gentle enough that it was completely pleasant. You arched back low to give him better access and he rewarded you by increasing his stroking of your dick. He let go and cupped your balls, fondled them as they hung low and heavy below you. Your arms gave out a little and you leaned your chin into his shoulder, your low moaning gasps air tickling his cheek. 

 

The pressure of his length came back, firm and wet now. You rocked up against it and he groaned, a low and animal sound. Your hands dug through the hair on his belly and chest, feeling him everywhere wasn’t enough. You played gently with one nipple and he twisted up into your touch, changing the angle of his cock rubbing up against you and making you ride up his legs and hips. He made a breathy, drawling pleased sound.

JAKE: Ah man dirk are you sure about this?  
JAKE: I know i’ve been accused of being too rough, i wouldn’t blame you if you wanted the safety of being the dominant party.  


A lie. An utterly transparent one--Jake couldn’t lie for shit, it was so fucking obvious. He was practically a dog asking you to pet him, insistent and needy. But that was fine, because you wanted to.

DIRK: That’s a lie. You always rock the hell out of me in bed.  
DIRK: You’re amazing at it, and I’ve been barely even letting you.  
DIRK: Come on, Jake, give it to me. I’m dying here.  
DIRK: Show me what it means to make love until I have to school kids on waiting until a bond as deep as marriage comes along because I know how awesome it gets.  
DIRK: You’re not fooling anybody being self-deprecating. We both know you can do it.   
DIRK: We both know I believe in you.   


That had to be the weirdest sexy turn of phrase ever, like something legitimately out of a bad anime romance subplot, and of course Jake enabled it. The boy all but turned your life into a cheesy romantic action-adventure movie with his mere existence. Made you believe in a life that should be pure Hollywood.

It worked, too. It’s like you set Jake on fire with it and now he was alive and active, twisting under you and pushing you up by the crotch until you were poised just above his dick. He guided you perfectly so the tip of him got caught in the cleft of your asshole and you clenched in an anticipatory shiver as you resettled with him cocked and loaded behind you.

He was wiping off his fingers with a napkin he must have pulled from his sylladex. You hadn’t even noticed, you were so focused and overwhelmed. He tossed it away and wrapped himself to your belly, closing his arms around your back diagonally, just barely reaching your shoulders. 

He kissed your belly through a little mutter of pleasure. Pressed himself upwards with his legs sprawled in a triangle around you and penetrated. You gasped and let out a sharp sound of pleasure and satisfaction, high and husky. He growled as he kept pressing inward, one inch, two, three, suddenly he was mostly in you. He was so thick, and the pressure felt like it was cleaving you in half, and it was the best thing ever. You throbbed in his hand, clenched in a death grip around your cock like he was holding on for dear life. 

You felt his foreskin roll all the way open inside you and the whole mass of his dick force itself bluntly inwards and whined against his neck. He twisted his own neck to meet you and groaned into your mouth, a stunned whimper of sensation. He pushed up at the same time as he clanked his teeth against yours and invaded you with his tongue just as he nailed in to his base, lifted you up on the pedestal of him. He broke your kiss to voice a shaky, stuttery shout into your mouth, and you answered it with your own. 

His legs rose, spread wide around you, like his entire body needed to brace for the feeling. He pulled out and bent over, removing a good deal of his length as he pressed his forehead against your chest, found your nipple with his teeth. You whimpered and panted over him, scratching gently at his broad back, digging through his dark hair in search of silver. 

He pumped in and back out again in a smooth motion that left you dizzy. It was all too much--his smell, the sound of his voice, the light shimmer of sweat on his back and forehead. He throbbed inside you so hard you felt it in your prostate. 

From god knows where, he produced the vape again. Despite the fact that you were across the fucking room from the light switch, the switch turned downwards, rendering the room just dim enough to see each other by. Hard to say how, but the nature of the light changed as well--the hue shifting to something like old candlelight. 

Jake threw himself backwards on the couch as he sucked on it, waggling his eyebrows at you as his hand made its way to your non-ass and firmly grabbed. You smirked at him with a raised eyebrow and pushed downwards, forcing him in even deeper despite the wail it pulled out of your chest. 

He dropped the biznasty onto the couch and pulled you close by the neck. His right hand took your cock this time, and now he was the one pushing himself flat against your ass, stretching the point of union between you two as far as it would go. But that wasn’t all he was doing. When he kissed you that heavenly smoke invaded your mouth again, forced its soft sensation of glowing down your throat and into your lungs. It didn’t hurt, didn’t wear on you. Instead it just filled you up, Jake offering you his essence to drown in. 

You drowned willingly. Swam your tongue through the white warmth as it twisted and writhed against his. First in his mouth, then in yours, then somewhere between you. You yelled into his mouth because he wouldn’t let you break even as he yanked on your dick, and he moaned into yours when your nails bit into his back and you took a handful of his hair in your first. 

When you opened your eyes small wisps of fluorescent white lit up the dim room between you, escaping in tiny puffs between your lips. You didn’t seem to come close to running out of it, and you were now vaguely aware this kiss had gone on a little too long, that by now you should need to breathe. You didn’t, though--or maybe...weren't you still breathing?

Shit, yes, that was definitely a breath you had just taken, in through your mouth and drawn directly out of Jake’s teeth. He made a small hum of satisfaction, and holy fucking shit, he was doing it on purpose. Jake English hadn’t turned off the oxygen requirement for your bodies. Instead, he had just turned his exhalation into what you needed to breathe. And yours into his. 

 

He didn’t break the kiss for a second, just increased the ferocity of your tongue wrestling, the force of his search through the valleys and walls of your mouth and teeth. His legs squirmed and squeezed in around you and he pushed you down onto him, increasing the pressure of your weight on him.

You could feel him throbbing over and over inside you, but it wasn’t until your hand found his nipple again that he was forced to start screaming into your mouth, even breaking the seal between your lips once or twice just to dash back in as he came, came, came inside you, flooding you with white salvation at the other end, too. His dick didn’t move at all for the length of it but his stomach and legs twisted and encompassed your skin as well as they could--you could feel his thighs tickling your bottom and his stomach pressing hard against yours and his hand pushing hard against you, forcing you even closer to him. 

He whimpered into your mouth, not moving an inch. You could feel his seed building up inside you, feel his penis throb and loosen its pressure. You were savoring it, in fact, when Jake finally pulled away from your lips. He bent down low immediately (and christ, the dude was flexible but you were sure that was going to hurt his back later) and got as much as he could of your dick in his mouth. Most of the hope smoke had dissipated, but there was still some filling in your lungs, and when his lips wrapped around you it forced a holler out that loosened up a lot of it, made you exhale that same divine mist. 

When you looked down, there it was again rising up from between Jake’s lips and your skin. You tried to wiggle, tried to do anything, but Jake held you firm and merciless. Or desperate, if he was really as sensitive down there as he seemed. He didn’t seem able to move his dick yet, but it was getting soft enough that soon it would fall right out. 

It seemed an awful shame to leave things like that. Luckily, there was one direction you thought you could move in.  
You rocked downwards along his cock a little. 

Jake screamed around your dick, gave your head a single delicious hard suck and then fell backwards, his restraint eradicated. He moaned and gasped for breath, his legs spread wide and kicking wildly. You took hold of his hands and pinned one against the couch, pulled the other one onto your dick. His eyes widened at the open request and he smiled at you, grabbing on tight and complying immediately. 

You closed your eyes tight and whimpered at the friction in your ass and on your dick. You rocked back and forth against Jake’s cock with heavy-lidded eyes, just barely kept open enough to watch him twist and whine under you. He was bearing his chest at you again, and with your free hand you couldn’t help but let your hand wander. Feeling out the curve of his waist, the muscle under his body hair, squeezing and playing with his nipple. He responded to everything like an instrument, letting out a symphony of pleasure for you. 

You forced yourself up and felt him empty you, felt him roll open inside you as he forced you open again. Repeated the motion because you didn’t have the willpower to resist your body’s inertia as much as anything else. He was making a shrill, high keening, his hand moving fast over your dick and his neck and face tensed extremely tight. The pleasure was more than you could imagine--the only possible metaphor was the green sun itself coming to life. 

The length of his cock, the force of being spread open--that was the best part. Just having him inside you, slicked as much by lube at this point as by his own semen. He took the initiative somehow, pulling out and thrusting into you with an intense sound of strain.

But that was exactly what you’d needed. At Jake’s angle his dick forced itself directly along your prostate and you saw stars, lost yourself completely to the point you couldn’t even feel yourself coming all over his face and chest. When you were aware of things again though your dick felt molten hot and wet, like you’d jizzed fucking lava. 

Jake looked safe and happy as a clam covered in it, but that didn’t prove shit. Boy was basically god embodied. Maybe he’d turned your jizz into lava just to make himself immune? Shit, it was the kind of ridiculous thing he would do. But you weren’t thinking reasonably. This wasn’t logic, it was just overwhelmed ramble, and it was all you were capable of as you fell dizzily against Jake and pressed your face against the side of his neck.

He went right on forcing himself in and out of you, having caught his second wind you guessed. You shivered and moaned at the pleasant sensation of him taking you, followed gratefully when he pushed you sideways and tipped you over so you were laying along the couch. He adjusted and put himself above you, took hold of your poor tired dick and made you whimper. You were spent, and even if you’d had the energy you wouldn’t have wanted to fight it. 

He dragged you open and thumbed the tip of your cock brusquely, with no concern for the wails of overwhelmed pleasure you were making. Maybe they were just encouragement. His own moans certainly weren’t dissuading you from thinking this was a good idea--vulnerable, high-pitched sorts of sounds that belied the confidence and brisk rhythm of his bucking into you. 

His eyebrows furrowed in exquisite agony and he bit hard at his bottom lip. You couldn’t find the strength to do anything but drag your hands down to rest against his knees at first, but it genuinely felt like he was kickstarting a god damn universe on your dick, and it wasn’t long before you started to find the intensity revitalizing. You panted and tried to find anything to grip on that would help you ride through this, couldn’t find anything until you remembered how to lift your arms around his shoulders and let your legs rest against the top of Jake’s butt. 

You straightened your legs out a little too much, though, and he let go of your dick. You cried out, pleading, but he just forced your legs open a little wider and then took rough, firm hold of you again. Somehow he managed to grab the lube bottle and squirt some more over your length, and then he was off to the races again, drowning your thoughts out completely under nuclear reactions of pleasure and heat. 

Amazingly, absurdly, Jake started to laugh. It broke up under shouts and swears and shudders of pleasure, thick sweat and exertion, but his chuckles just went on and on. You looked up at him, lithe and strong and hairy, his dark green eyes focused on you like you were the most important thing he’d ever seen. It plunged into your heart again that he felt it, that this was exactly how he felt about you, and the brilliant painful ecstasy he was forcing into your ass and out of your dick made tears threaten to sting again. You moaned a watery sort of moan and he noticed because he looked right at you as your head tossed sideways. 

He leaned in, wrapped his one arm around your torso. He could barely get any meaningful distance covered with his dick from this position, but he didn’t need to--those sharp, short thrusts were doing plenty. So was the tickle of his voice softly brushing your ear.

JAKE: Ahhh man this is really incredible.   
JAKE: Now this is what i’m talking about!  
JAKE: See it isn’t too hard to have reality live up to my fantasies, i just want a little honesty is all.  
JAKE: This is nice isn’t it? You’re having fun right?   
DIRK: Ah! Oh god, jesus fuck. Yeah, ye--AH! Jake, I’m having fun.  
DIRK: Oh god, please don’t stop, please don’t stop Jake I’m going to lose it, oh my god…  
JAKE: Is this the kind of thing you used to dream about, dirk?  
DIRK: Aaah, Ahhh, Jesus fuck--  
JAKE: I used to think about this kind of stuff all the time.  
JAKE: Stuff I wanted to say to you, ways I wanted to make you feel. I had so many hopes for the two of us before the game started…  
JAKE: I still kind of wish I could’ve courted you that way, but there’s no use being sad about it.  
JAKE: I’m getting to do it now after all, so what does it matter? This is perfect. You’re perfect. You always were.   


Your eyes flooded all at once, with no warning. Jake just had so much to give you couldn’t possibly take it all--fucking you was only barely the half of it. He’d been right, this was different. So much more. You had a feeling all those lonely years would have been either a lot better or a lot worse if you’d had the temerity to imagine a connection this strong, a love this visceral.

JAKE: So come on, tell me you thought about all this too. Tell me it goes both ways. Tell me I’m not alone here.   
DIRK: Aaah, Jake...you’re not alone on this one. But I--Fuck, ngh!  
DIRK: I never imagined this. I never thought you’d feel like this. This is so much more--AH!  
DIRK: This is so much better, oh god, oh fuck.  
DIRK: This is so much more than I ever could have dreamed of.   
JAKE: Then i guess you’re lucky you have me around then, huh?  
DIRK: Fucking hell, dog. Of course I am. Of course I am.  


You bent into his chest and pressed your forehead into his neck to hide, but there was no hiding the way your voice broke on the words “I am.” Just in case you’d repeated yourself, just so Jake could be completely aware of how thoroughly you were broken, that his lovemaking was so good you were now reduced to crying. 

Your arms twisted around his shoulders and clasped you to him. Now his chest was flush against yours, crushing and tickling, and your chin was hooked over his shoulder. You went right on crying, pathetic and needy against his ear, but he didn’t seem to mind at all-- In fact, he just picked up the pace. Your head fell back again, even that was too much effort. Your legs were spent and exhausted but there was nowhere for them to go without denying Jake his desired angles of spreading, or even worse his access.  
His hand grappled with the awkward angle as he felt up your cock with your chests pressed together, and he only managed to keep up the rhythm by reversing his grip and totally changing the stroking angles. This was maybe less intense, but that was like comparing big bangs, so who even gave a damn. 

His free hand had gone missing again, but here it was. He used it to cup your face and make you look at him, and his expression was sweet and loving and gentle even as he kept ramming you directly into oblivion. He didn’t stop at the tears of joy and pleasure in your eyes because he recognized them--you could tell there had been one or two spills on his side, and his eyes were blurry and beautiful and fucking huge. He used his thumb to brush the trails of water away and you leaned your hand into the touch. 

The lube was safely unneeded on the other side of the couch--the two of you were fucking soaked in lubricants at this point, natural and otherwise. But the biznasty was pressed into your side, and it was starting to really bother you. You unroped an arm from Jake’s shoulder and he pouted at you in dismay, but lit up when you pulled it out to his eye level. He grinned and gave you a small, demanding nod. You knew what he wanted immediately.

You lit it up and pressed it into his lips yourself, dimly aware your cock was throbbing under his grip again. He squeezed his eyes shut like a kid about to take a cannonball dive and was, with some nuance, described by all stunned bystanders as utterly precious. You could see the clear smoke get dragged into his lungs, and it was nothing like what came back out of him. 

Not that he gave you a chance to revisit the memories. As soon as you pulled it out of his mouth he chased it and then you, planting his lips hard against you. The biznasty fell from your hands, immediately forgotten. That white smoke filled you up, made you new again. This time you could feel it snaking its way through your whole body somehow, pooling in the tired muscles of your limbs, reenergizing them. Jake giving himself to each of your cells, or leaving his mark, making you his entire? Neither. Both. Something even better. 

Your tongues danced and thrashed and his cock raided and plundered, gave you the relief of relaxation for mere moments before giving you the relief of being opened and ravished. His wet hand rubbed along your entire length, feeling you thoroughly like he was trying to build a three-dimensional map of it in his head. You were still crying, you thought.

The white built up to something in the space between your lips. It hummed, a quiet song of warmth and company. You could feel it traveling you, pooling in you, filling your stomach and lungs and settling and climbing up the base of your dick. Jake was everywhere inside you, and you got that vision of the love binding you together again--only there were no girls this time, pink and cyan fond but distant. 

This was just you and Jake, green and orange, his hope filling up your heart completely literally. You could feel the green electricity of him setting you alight from the inside, making you into something shining, into something that could last forever, into something that could perform miracles. Into something divine and burning with blazing orange light. You felt like this had happened at least once before, and that was the last thing you thought at all before the smoke burst open inside you and Jake’s dick burst open inside you and there was an immense, deafening pulse of pleasure that made you scream at the top of your lungs against the prison of his lips. You came under his hand again, soaking you both as he filled you up, both of you climaxing in tandem this time. 

It was only once the wave subsided that you realized he was screaming too, and in fact had been for quite a while. The vibrato it made all the way down your throat was just another way he played your strings, a single player in a symphony. 

But now he was finally tired and coming undone, still thrusting into you with wet, sloppy charges but erratically and increasingly lazily. He broke the endless lock of your lips and you whined at him for it, because you were nothing if not a greedy ingrate. But he just laughed, white glowing starstuff puffing out in short gusts. It was seeping out of you, too--a wide, heavy feeling that was like oxygen but heavier and more satisfying. 

The world felt enormous and endless, and nothing at all existed but this single room. Fuck, this little couch, probably. That was perfectly fine with you so long as Jake was on it, on you, sweaty and panting and exhausted. He chuckled through the tiredness as he pulled out of you, but it was a watery sigh, and when he pulled himself up and around your torso to snuggle into your chest his cheeks were wet with tear trails. 

You were so exhausted you were sure you couldn’t move anymore, but apparently you were wrong. Your hand found its way to Jake’s face as he tried to squeeze into your side, lifted up on an arm and a knee. You cupped his face in your hand and let your thumb wipe the tear stains off, and the look he gave you was everything you’d ever wanted and more. 

He collapsed into the couch and into you and snuggled up, curling his arms around your back and chest without ever taking his eyes off you. He looked raw and vulnerable and completely, mindblowingly happy. 

You were happy, too. This--both of you naked, his sore cock flaccid pressing up against you, your legs sprawled one on raised knee and the other splayed sideways out as your own soft cock lolled off to the side. His arms around you and your arm around his shoulder, drawing his head to rest on you. This was what happiness was. This was everything anyone could ever want for.

JAKE: Oh man...that was quite literally the absolute best thing ever.  
DIRK: Wow. Yeah. You can say that again.   
JAKE: You are quite literally the best thing ever.   
DIRK: That’s not what you said last time.  
JAKE: Shhh same difference.  
JAKE: Man this is perfect though. I’ve never dreamed of anything better than this, to be honest.   
JAKE: I think this must be what complete euphoria feels like, maybe.  
DIRK: Funny. I was actually just thinking that.   
JAKE: It’s pretty exciting, isn’t it?   
DIRK: Really? Part of my brain is scared all of existence is downhill from here, but I can’t really feel any negative emotions right now.   
JAKE: Well good you shouldnt because thats completely fucking absurd!  
JAKE: This is awesome! All we need do is just get into the habit of being open like that and now suddenly we can feel this way whenever we want.  
JAKE: I’m fairly certain we just got married to your bro’s plant hobbies also.  
JAKE: But now that we’ve built up this high i suddenly feel like a kid again!  
JAKE: Once we climb the summit, how do we go up? It’s always so exciting to consider what dreams may come once you’ve reached all your old ones.   
DIRK: That’s why you’re my boyfriend, Jake.  
JAKE: What? No! I’m your boyfriend because you’re soothing and charming, and a blast to be around, and my best friend and i love you a lot.   
DIRK: Statements like that are also why you’re my boyfriend.   
DIRK: Careful just dropping the M word like that, though--that’s fucking intense.  
DIRK: You could melt a guy completely, saying it after making love to him like that.  
JAKE: Making love, huh? The phrase doesn’t seem too tawdry and played out now? >:)8  
DIRK: You’ve made a compelling case for it’s charms.  
DIRK: Utterly owned, as usual. Good job, English.  
JAKE: Heheheh.  
JAKE: ...Say, entirely hypothetically,  
JAKE: And not at all seriously at this point in time just yet.  
JAKE: Suppose i did drop the m word, like, in a serious context.  
JAKE: ...Do you think you’d accept?   


This night could not possibly be real. Your heart was going to just plain old wear out from the ridiculous marathon it was running in your chest. Did Jake just suggest he might want to propose to you? But you literally lacked the brainpower to panic, or deconstruct, or analyze--all of your typical defense systems rendered completely nonfunctional.

The only move allowed to you was to answer, or not. And you knew better than to withhold the obvious. Especially when you could just make him happy instead--and there was no doubt left that was what you'd be doing.

DIRK: Yeah. Whenever you’re ready, if you ever are, I’ll accept.  
DIRK: I know it for a fact.   


The thrilled grin he rewarded you with was, as usual, just too damn much to take in. Too wonderful and inspiring. He was right, you realized. It was wonderful to think about what dreams may come. Like say, dreams of getting a fucking shower in a little while, because you were absolutely drenched right now.

But not quite yet. Even if you felt inclined to part with Jake for a millisecond, and you didn’t, your limbs just plain old would not have agreed to that plan. Instead you just leaned your head towards him, let your foreheads knock together. Hissed when he played with your nipple and answered when he came in for a gentle, chaste kiss. 

You felt yourself getting drowsy and weary, felt yourself truly relaxing and realized it was happening often enough you were starting to understand it was alright. Felt yourself getting sleepy. Felt yourself breathing in Jake’s smell and yours and finding it soothing and deeply fulfilling. 

Just for a little while would be fine. He liked the grossness, anyway, and you weren’t in any shape to pull up a fight. In a little while you would be, but for now the world was perfect, and Jake was perfect, and Jake made you feel perfect, and all you really wanted was just a short...little…

Nap.


	6. Here in my room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IlPlKBXRHE
> 
> I BASICALLY headcanon this as the song Dave confessed his feelings to Karkat with. He did it in the middle of trying to explain his society's fucked up misogyny, completely by accident, and he blushed hard and died once he realized. I love Dave and Karkat. 
> 
> There's not much to say about this one. they're cute, and they bang. Hope you like it.

KARKAT: SO   
KARKAT: ARE YOU ALRIGHT?   


He always asked you that after you spent time with Dirk. It usually threw you off, unsettled you. Usually he was more hesitant about it, in that bizarre tone he used that sounded gentle without being either soft or quiet--two qualities Karkat was literally unable to put in his voice. You’d only given him snippets of details about your Bro, but that didn’t seem to matter. From the first moment you’d introduced them to each other, Karkat had taken one look at your face, then one at Dirk’s, and the jig had effectively been up. Now he was just waiting on you to be ready. 

But there wasn’t even that, now--he sounded, if anything, distracted. He’d asked about Dirk enough times and you had dodged enough times that he knew not to expect a real answer. You knew he was doing it more out of courtesy than anything--opening the door for you, in case you chose to take the step, but without so much as smidge of hope you would. 

It was habit, for Karkat. Somehow both less dramatic and more intimate than him legitimately trying to get you to pour out your heart about your Bro. You appreciated it. And maybe it was that casualness, that complacency, that made you feel like you could actually talk about it. Or maybe it was that it had been a genuinely spectacular night, so far. That awkward, jagged distance between you and Dirk had actually dissolved entirely for a few seconds. Or maybe it was that you felt bigger than the world and nothing seemed to matter and words were coming even more loosely and easily than usual, with a comfort you weren’t used to. 

Maybe it was that weed just naturally made you more of a blabbermouth, and you knew Karkat was blitzed too. Or maybe it was all of that, plus some curiosity, because if it felt this good just watching Karkat’s broad shoulders as he changed into his pj’s, if you were so sensitive you could feel your arm’s cells scream when he brushed into you, then what the hell would it be like if you two got some clothes and got busy? 

You knew your best friend. Nothing got him going like a feelings jam, and this one was long overdue. 

DAVE: yeah, i’m good  
DAVE: im awesome actually tonight was p rad   
KARKAT: COOL, I THOUGHT AS MUCH. JUST CHECKING.  
DAVE: yeah thanks. its sweet of you  
KARKAT: YEAH, YEAH.  
DAVE: its kinda weird though how you like  
DAVE: just know this stuff   
DAVE: how can you tell how important it is when i havent even really told you anything   
DAVE: i dont understand   
KARKAT: YOUR RAMBLING IS SOMEHOW EVEN MORE INCOHERENT THAN USUAL, DAVE.   
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU BABBLING ABOUT?   
DAVE: just, things between me and dirk  
DAVE: i mean all ive told you is that things werent great with bro  
DAVE: so how can you tell it matters to me so much i dont really get it   
KARKAT: I  
KARKAT: DAVE, WHAT THE FUCK!?   
KARKAT: HOW IS THAT A QUESTION? THIS REALLY ISN’T COMPLICATED.   
KARKAT: YOU AND DIRK ACT LIKE YOU’RE BOTH ABOUT TO SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST ANYTIME YOU’RE LESS THAN TWO FEET APART.  
KARKAT: I DON’T HAVE TO KNOW THE DETAILS TO KNOW THERE’S SOME HEAVY SHIT GOING ON THERE! ESPECIALLY WHEN EVEN -JAKE- DECIDES TO KEEP HIS RIDICULOUSLY CORNY MOUTH SHUT ABOUT IT.  
KARKAT: EVERYTHING SEEMED FINE, BUT I KNOW IT’S INTENSE FOR YOU SO I KEEP AN EYE OUT. IT’S PRETTY SIMPLE, I’M NOT SURE WHY YOU’RE HAVING A RAMBLY MELTDOWN OVER IT.   
DAVE: yeah you’re right i guess  
DAVE: just…  
DAVE: thanks  
DAVE: you’re the best   
KARKAT: UH. ALRIGHT. THANKS I GUESS.  


You never got tired of how those moments of honesty always caught him by surprise. Even after years of this, his reactions carried the same rhythm: Eyes widening in a wary sort of surprise, mouth circling into a small o. Beat. Eyebrows lowering downwards and eyes softening, a glimmer of disbelief tracing his pupils. Beat. A shy, small little grin, so unlike the wide spread of his usual scowling grimace. Beat. The trace of red flaring on his cheeks and the memory of how hard he used to work to hide it, a terrified, instinctive impulse. End verse. 

You felt the familiar urge to kiss him, to draw close. Like something tugging on your heart like red string, like a leash. You were about to follow through when your plush ass wristwatch buzzed dimly with the fairly rare sound of someone sending you a...file? Huh. 

Instead of trying to check it out on speaker ass (because that would be dumb) or your ishades (in case you’d want to show Karkat) you pulled your old phone out of your sylladex. 

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodHead [TG] -- gardenGnostic [GG] sent turntechGodHead [TG] file "explore - ascendence mix.mp3" GG: hey dave!   
GG: sorry for messaging you so late, i figure you’re probably sleeping by now but i’ve sort of been having trouble sleeping lately   
GG: and to be honest i’m a little bit nervous about doing this for some reason? weird   
GG: so i figure i’ll just send this on its way and you can see it tomorrow!  
GG: i came across one of your old music files, you sent me this...AGES ago, before we even started playing! :O  
GG: so i decided to see what i could do with it! and i realized, it’s been years since any of us made music together. it’s so hard to believe that much time has gone past!  
GG: but i miss it, so i wanted to see if maybe we could start it again :) and i know you’re dying to wow me with your raps so i figure why not start with you!  
GG: maybe we can even get karkat and dirk and everybody into it too? I think that’d be a really nice way for everyone to bond! :D  
GG: i’m gonna go to bed now but hey let me know what you and karkat think!  
GG: sweet dreams cool guy! hehehe :)  
\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering turntechGodHead [TG] -- 

KARKAT: HUH. IS THAT A...GRIN?   
KARKAT: HOLY SHIT, IT IS! YOU’RE GRINNING RIGHT NOW!  
KARKAT: I’M CALLING IT NOW. THIS HUMAN SOPORIFIC IS THE BEST THING EVER INVENTED.   


His voice wasn’t loud by Karkat standards, but it still surprised the fuck out of you and in your surprise a stray tear escaped your eye and slid out from under your glasses. Karkat’s eyes were big, huge black on yellow and he was staring at you with his own gaping little grin of bemused wonder. Your heart swelled with him, with Jade, with--fuck, with everything. It had been almost a year but this was maybe the first time it’d really felt real, that this was, this was real, wasn’t it? This was your life now. And it wasn’t going away. 

Karkat noticed the drop of moisture on your cheek before you found the time to wipe it away. Wasn’t that just always the way of it? But before not enough time meant your Bro was dead, it meant your friends were dying, it meant you were doomed so epically and cosmically you couldn’t escape it even if you died for it, some other Dave would just pick up the slack. Now? 

Now not enough time meant Karkat’s eyes dropping from delighted to drowning in worry and him immediately dropping the shirt he had wrapped around his arms (thank god, you did not want to lose the vision of his broad grey back) and him turning towards you with his arm outstretched, worried and gentle, immediately focused on nothing but you and how you felt. 

And that? As much as it terrified you, as much as it made you feel unreal, as much as it made you certain it was illegal to be this happy and the Skaian police force would be coming to collect your flagrantly in love ass? 

That really wasn’t so bad. 

You tried your best to sound calm, if not in control, and you didn’t waste energy trying to hide it when your voice broke on the attempt. Instead your hand went to your glasses--it’d be easier to convince him you were just happy if he could see your eyes. 

DAVE: i’m fine   
DAVE: i’m good honest that was a happy cry you’ve seen me do those before  
KARKAT: I MEAN, SURE, BUT ONLY WHEN…  
DAVE: …  
KARKAT: …  
KARKAT: SO WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT, THEN?  
DAVE: oh yeah check out this message.   


You passed him the phone and watch him take in the contents with too-big eyes. As they finished, they softened. Genuine affection dominated Karkat’s features at the thought of Jade, and you were glad there was at least one person out there who was as much of an overemotional goo ball at the thought of your friends as you were. Usually you were both so much better at hiding it, but everything right now felt too big and too raw and too real. 

KARKAT: HUH. SO YOU’RE GONNA START...DOING MUSIC STUFF? LIKE THE RAPS YOU SHOW ME SOMETIMES?  
DAVE: no WE’RE gonna start doing music stuff and the songs that we collaborate creatively on. stop selling yourself short we both know you’ve got a sense of rhythm and your vitriolic witticisms are the creative pulse of my lyrics lately.   
DAVE: you never really got to do this kinda stuff like in a group before right? it’s awesome, you’ll have fun.   
KARKAT: I DUNNO, SOMETHING ABOUT THE IDEA MAKES ME NERVOUS.  
DAVE: dude cmon  
DAVE: i cant reengage my close emotional bond with my best friends if i cant even show them penis crabuija v5, you know that shit was pure gold.  
KARKAT: SHIT. YEAH, I GUESS YOU’RE RIGHT.   
DAVE: dont worry about it, they’ll love it. anything egbert gets from me musically might as well come from the mouth of god.  
KARKAT: I’M PRETTY SURE THAT’S NOT TRUE, BUT OK.   
DAVE: jade and rose are really good at it too they’ll probably barely even make fun  
DAVE: well jade at least but when rose makes fun thats how you know she likes it   
KARKAT: IF YOU SAY SO DUDE! WHATEVER, YOU CONVINCED ME, I DON’T MIND.   
DAVE: sweet  
KARKAT: STILL, THIS MADE YOU CRY?  
DAVE: well i’m feeling pretty sensitive i guess   
KARKAT: ...YEAH. WOW. NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT, NO KIDDING, ME TOO.  
DAVE: yeah. but it wasnt just that.  
DAVE: i just...missed her. both of them. and even dirk and his friends, too, even though that’s kind of weird to say considering we hadn’t even met them.   
DAVE: i don’t think you really grasp yet how big a deal they all were to me growing up. jade and john and rose i mean. they were…  
DAVE: they were special. they kept me alive through the bro stuff, before i met you and started to realize how fucked up it all was.  
KARKAT: THE MYSTERIOUS BRO STUFF THAT I’M APPARENTLY FORBIDDEN FROM KNOWING ANY HARD DETAILS OF, YOU MEAN?  
DAVE: nah man i’ll tell you eventually  
DAVE: it’s just...really hard. i want you to understand but i also don’t want you think badly of dirk or for that matter make you sad at all.   
DAVE: can we not talk about it right now actually? i’ll tell you soon i promise but man i kind of had other plans for tonight.   
KARKAT: FINE, BUT FOR THE RECORD, I DON’T SEE WHY I’D THINK ANY LESS OF DIRK AT THIS POINT.  
KARKAT: IF ANYTHING WAS GOING TO KILL MY IMPRESSION THAT HE’S AN ALRIGHT DUDE, IT WOULD’VE BEEN TRYING TO LEAD HIM AND JAKE THROUGH THE INCREDIBLE MINEFIELD THAT WAS “LEARN HOW TO FUCKING TALK TO EACH OTHER LIKE REASONABLE GODDAMN PEOPLE 101”.   
KARKAT: AND I ACTUALLY DON’T THINK THEY’RE -TOTALLY- INCOMPETENT, UNLIKE MOST OF MY TROLL FRIENDS, SO WHATEVER HORRIBLE BACKSTORY HIS ALTER EGO PLAYED A HAND IN WRITING FOR YOU, HIS HANDS ARE PRETTY CLEAN OF THAT FOR THE MOST PART?  
KARKAT: I MEAN I SHOULD BE THE LAST PERSON TO GET ON ANYBODY’S CASE FOR THE SHIT THEIR ALTERNATE SELVES GET UP TO.   
DAVE: right so then back to the much more pleasant topic of me crying  
DAVE: it just hit me that i had john and jade back and they weren’t going anywhere from now on and that felt really absurdly awesome because i’m a sap.  
DAVE: and, you know. then i saw you and remembered, holy shit, i’m literally the luckiest guy alive.   
DAVE: so then there just wasn’t any helping the waterworks millions of lives were lost in the flood of the ensuing single drop.   
KARKAT: OH, SHUT UP.   
DAVE: its true though   
DAVE: and while we’re on the subject  
DAVE: any way i can convince you to keep that shirt off   
KARKAT: …  
KARKAT: YOU’LL JUST HAVE TO TRY, I GUESS.   


His disbelieving grin, flummoxed but eager, pleased and nervous and astonished all at once. It had been going on three years of this but he still wasn’t used to being an object of desire to you, couldn’t quite buy that the body he hated so much was something you deeply treasured. That you wanted every inch of him. You could relate, because you had just as much trouble--if for entirely different reasons. 

You wrapped your arms around Karkat’s hips and pressed him to you. Your glasses dissapeared into your sylladex, your phone into his. He smiled up at you taller than usual, his slouch forced straight by the pressure of your arms. It did him good--you could all but feel tense muscles protesting in his shoulders as you traced them with your hands, but he didn’t fuss, just sighed into you. 

Your lips met his, your teeth nearly clacking together because you were both grinning like fucking idiots. It was more or less always this hopeless and mushy and awkward, but Karkat felt wonderfully hot under your skin and his breath was tickling your face and neck and every sensation was multiplied by a factor of thousands, it felt like. 

You remembered when letting your walls come down like this had felt impossible, for both of you. You coming just a little too close to his hand before the terror gripped your heart, until you felt more than saw Bro’s eyes on you somehow. Karkat letting his eyes linger on your glasses a little too long before turning bright red and absconding, telling you not to look at him like that. Scared of someone being able to tell his blood color, afraid a rush of emotion would be his downfall. Like dark and distant dreams, nearly forgotten. Except for the satisfaction of noticing the contrast. 

Maybe it really was true that time heals all wounds, even the ones you don’t immediately recognize are part of you. At least, if you were lucky enough to be Dave Strider, and double lucky enough to meet Karkat Vantas. He pushed away from you gently, eyes glancing towards the light switch, hard in his pants when you let your crotches press up against each other. You were hard, too, apparently. Achingly so. 

KARKAT: I’LL, UH...GET THE LIGHT THEN?  
DAVE: actually, i, uh…  
KARKAT: OH, GODDAMNIT.   
KARKAT: YOU WANT TO DO *THAT*? I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN…  
DAVE: yeah you probably should’ve  
DAVE: but like  
DAVE: we dont gotta if you REALLY dont want to i just thought i would ask   
DAVE: sorry i cant help it you’re just so…  
DAVE: SO fucking hot, i can’t stand it  


Karkat shivered into your chest and groaned against your neck, let his arms wrap around your shoulders. He could complain all he wanted, you knew he liked this. If anything he only resisted because he knew it got so intense. Your fingers slid under the waistline of his boxers and jeans and felt at the hard, grey skin there, firm but with a give to it. Thank god for Vantass. He pushed up on his legs, pressing into you, forcing you backwards. You really did not have enough seconds to keep up with how fast you wanted him undressed. 

When he pulled away a little and looked up at you with those endlessly big eyes he looked downright playful, which usually meant you were going to get owned at some point tonight. 

KARKAT: ALRIGHT, BUT YOU’LL BE PAYING FOR IT. DAVE: that suits me just fine

You didn’t wait to reach further down and grab Karkat hard by the bottom, pulled him up onto you purely by the ass. He responded easily and wrapped his legs around you. You kind of liked that you were the stronger between the two of you, for dozens of reasons. Usually it was just one of your favorite layers of powers to shed, to let him take from you, when he got in the mood to take the initiative. It was kind of a downwards battle with both of you--both so shy and eager for approval that you kind of had to fight to be on the passive side. 

Whenever distinctions like active and passive mattered, anyway. And whenever any subject was involved that wasn’t this one. For this, you really didn’t mind taking charge, shouldering Karkat’s full weight long enough to take a couple steps and drop him on your bed, legs spread wide and welcoming. You quick fingers made quicker work of the button on his jeans, unzipped his fly and grabbed at the whole undergarment section. He raised his ass to let you yank, muttering his embarrassment under his breath but not resisting. 

Warm satisfaction pooled in your gut. Whenever Karkat deigned to indulge you in this it made you feel a little bit bad, but it was just such a goddamn treat. You knew he preferred making love with the lights off. He still had so many body hang ups, and that kind of thing just plain old took time. It was easier for him to relax if he knew you couldn’t quite see him. 

But the thing was, you really really loved seeing him. And whenever he let you leave the lights on, let you take your time and stare and take him in at every angle, it made you feel so full you wished you never had to stop. His thick, grey thighs. His broad, hard shoulders and bulging biceps. His defensive, vulnerable, achingly desperate frown--anxious and hairless all over except for his head, as is apparently the way with trolls, but it didn’t really subtract much from the sheer impressive heft of him. His big, dangling shame globes and his aching hard cock, his red head pulsing. Apparently foreskins were another weird quirky point of difference in your species--he didn’t have one-- despite otherwise eerily similar dangly parts. 

Anyway, who cared about quirks of xenobiology when that long, hard shaft was all yours to stare at and touch? 

You thought about how this was how he was choosing to spend irretrievable seconds of his life, that he was willing to live with this choice forever--to let himself be an exhibit on display for you. To let you drink him with your eyes for as long as you wanted. You didn’t usually like to think about Time under the best of circumstances, but with the high nulling your typical ambivalence on the matter you found the thought intoxicating and fucking overwhelmingly hot. Alternate universe futurepast you was the fucking bomb, and so was his taste in mind altering substances. 

You drew closer. You could feel Karkat tense with anticipation. His eyes didn’t leave yours for a second, following their trayectory over his body. You knew it helped him relax to stare into them, and more importantly kept him assured you knew about his blood and didn’t care in the slightest. Reminded him in a way, you were similar--your red irises as powerful as your sunglasses, expressing instead of hiding. It was a good reason to train yourself out of your sunglasses when you were with him, remind yourself he really did like seeing it when you smiled. Amazing, the things you had to keep teaching each other. 

Your hands curled around his thighs and he sighed at the touch. You spread them apart a little farther, close enough for you to huddle inside the spread of his legs. Close enough for the tent in your comfy red pants to brush against his crotch, up against his balls. You both hissed, the sounds weirdly resonant. 

God, was this a view to take in. Karkat’s deep blushing face, the curve of his ass and the lump of skin at the intersection of his legs, butt and balls. Your hand wandered onto it almost lazily, helplessly, like a hapless passerby dragged in by the homoerotic gravitational pull of a nearby sports pileup. His chest started rising and falling faster immediately and he gasped, too embarrassed to look right at you but also too caught up to look anywhere else. 

You cupped the side of his balls with your hand and rubbed gently, listened to him groan and stretch his neck backwards, clutch at big handful of blankets by the sides of his head. Touching Karkat was kind of like playing your synthesizer. Every location produced a unique and lovely new response. With the light on the effect was double--even if your photographic memory made it easy to remember the shapes and planes of Karkat’s body in the dark, that was nothing compared to looking at him, burning more debauched beauty into your neurons through your retinas. 

He moved differently whenever you touched him, too. You leaned over. Let your other thumb and forefinger close around his nipple and play as you squeezed his nads gently. He let out a harsh, short gasp and wiggled downwards, arching himself up into your touch. An offering. His dick twitched sideways hard. It was so easy to get Karkat going like a runaway train--all it took was you saying you wanted it or calling him hot. Easily one of the best things about being with him was just how easy it was to get a glowing response. 

He didn’t move, though--just waited for your next move. It really was unfair of you, to ask him to stay so still and receptive with nothing but the strength of his patience for you. But it also really was your favorite little game to play. He’d suggested the idea of being tied down for this, but you didn’t like that as much--yet, anyway. You preferred knowing he could move if he really wanted to. That he was choosing to leave himself at the mercy of your curiosity, over and over and over again. 

Though mercy was a strong word for the dubious kinky glory of getting Karkat to let you stare at him a whole lot. At least, if you were comparing sex lives with the rumors you’ve heard about your sister. Or your other sister. Or, god forbid, your brother. Everyone in this ectofamily was going to hell, apparently. But you intended to make it worth your while. 

You took hold of Karkat’s dick, firm but gentle in your fist. He was big, but your hands were Texan, and you could keep hold of most of his length easily with a bit of overlap in your fingers. He mewled under you, his neck twisting up, his face trying to hide in the nearest pillow. You enjoyed the show, making no move to dissuade him as his legs kicked and waggled in the air stupidly around you. Sooner or later he would come back to you. He always did. 

Your hand kept it’s grip. You didn’t vary the pressure, didn’t move along his length, didn’t touch him anywhere else except for the fingers you kept just as still squeezing his nipple gently. You enjoyed the motions of his belly and chest--rise and fall, rise and fall. So worked up he couldn’t even breathe right. His cock throbbed and throbbed in your hand, already dripping red precum from the tip. Karkat made a lot of fluid in general, but this was pretty quick even by regular standards. 

His cock felt so vivid and intense in your hand--you couldn’t fucking imagine how it must feel for him, to be this high and have you touching him in places that were so sensitive. And then to receive it all so willingly. And then to have you use the opportunity to tease the fuck out of him. You felt your heart swell with appreciation for your sweet, adorable, blazing hot alien boyfriend--he really did put up with way too many of your demands. 

You continued not to move, simply holding him on and on and on. Just because you were in love and grateful beyond measure was no reason to not be an ass. Seconds passed with the melody of Karkat’s increasingly annoyed and desperate little moans, wordless requests that you get the show the fuck on the road already. His blood red head swelled and throbbed and his hips worked to try and get some friction out of you but you fought it, counteracting the force so he couldn’t get anything at all. 

Finally, when his hands couldn’t clutch at the bed any fucking harder, he returned from his hiding spot and stared up at you, almost livid with denial. Almost. Mostly he just looked horny as everloving fuck, and every bit as ridiculously beautiful. It wasn’t that often that you actually felt like topping, like actually WANTED to for your own sake as much as Karkat’s. But oh yeah. This was definitely one of those nights. You grinned down at him. 

KARKAT: DAVE, WHAT THE FUCK!?   
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT! WHAT’S THE DEAL HERE, WHAT GIVES.  
DAVE: theres no deal and nothing gives i dunno what you want, man  
DAVE: im just here having some lil one on one time with my main squeze karkat junior  
DAVE: he’s pretty impatient but also quite the looker if you know what i mean so i like to bask in his glory whenever i catch the time  
KARKAT: YES, I CAN CLEARLY SEE THAT!  
KARKAT: DOES THIS QUALITY TIME YOU’VE SQUARED OFF INCLUDE, LIKE, STIMULATING HIM? OR ARE YOU JUST GOING TO TORTURE HIM SLOWLY WHILE HE DIES OF OLD AGE OR MAYBE A DICK ANEURYSM SINCE YOU’RE GRIPPING HIM HARD ENOUGH THAT SOON HE WILL CLAIM A MONOPOLY ON ALL OF MY BLOOD.   
DAVE: woah shit am i being that rough?? sorry  
DAVE: its hard to keep a handle on it when im high i guess  
KARKAT: NNGH...NO, YOU’RE FINE, THOUGH I CAN’T LIE, AT THIS POINT EVEN YOU LOOSENING UP FEELS AWESOME.  
KARKAT: JUST...LOOK, I’M ALL YOURS IF YOU WANT TO LAZILY STARE AND FEEL ME UP FOR HOURS TONIGHT, ALRIGHT? BUT CAN IT BE LIKE, AFTER WE FINISH HERE?  
KARKAT: AT LEAST DO *SOMETHING*, HOLY SHIT DAVE, I’M GOING TO GO NUTS.   
DAVE: haha well damn  
DAVE: that is the best promise i ever got from anyone   
DAVE: its not like im being a tease on purpose though i just  
DAVE: like holding you i guess  
KARKAT: WELL THAT’S FUCKING ADORABLE AND SAPPY AS FUCK AND ALL, AND DON’T GET ME WRONG I’M FLATTERED BUT--  
KARKAT: OH F--AH! AH! FUCK, DAVE OH GOD!  


He really was getting off on you watching him--you weren’t even stroking him all that fast, just kind of letting your hand tug gently up and down. Out of the corner of your eye you could see his toes curling. Fucking incredible. He moaned and gasped, staring up at you with heavy lidded eyes. Sometimes you wondered if either of you would ever get used to this, the pleasure and affection and the sheer feeling good you brought out of each other. But this was a whole other level, you just did not have the brainpower to maintain all the processes that kept your guard up, and you didn’t think Karkat had them either. 

You were gonna have to get Dirk to make you a household vape. Not to mention figure out a way to make this work on Karkat without Jake’s help. Later. All of that could come later. 

Right now there was just Karkat’s dick and your hand and his beautiful voice and the heavy, solid heft of his sprawl and god you were hard. Troll dicks were a lot more effective at the lube thing than human ones, just enough that it actually felt good when you smothered his head with your palm and rubbed it all over. He groaned and tensed but it still wasn’t quite as good as you knew you could make it. The lube fell from your sylladex and into your hand expertly and you laid two quick squirts over Karkat’s tip in the same ridiculously smooth motion. 

Karkat’s eyes went as wide as his lips spread with adoring longing, let out a low keen as you rubbed the lube into his shaft without moving your face at all, poker face aceslayer, that was you. He could gripe about it all he wanted, you knew damn well he kind of loved it when you slipped on the facade, dialed the Cool Guy up to maximum. 

Only your forearm moved in firm, confident motions--the rest of you sculpturelike, movielike, still as a beautiful hollywood artists’ bust. Like this you gave off the impression of the kind of suave dreamboat the entire 90’s had wet dreams about, which worked out plenty because it turned out Karkat was the shy, blushing boy next door just waiting to have his world rocked. 

It was fair play, but only because it was clear roleplay at this point. Karkat knew you liked it just as much when he played the part of the demanding, inspiring leader--all loud orders and bravado but with passion and trust. Deciding on a course of action which you, his competent and compliant sentinel, could flawlessly act upon. It was his biggest, wildest fantasy--his dream life to live, an impossible joy, just like yours was. 

Except with the two of you nothing felt impossible, so you’d figured out how anyway. It worked because the fantasies didn’t own you anymore. Because they were just fun parts to play. As your hand curled down his length and held him at the base he twisted and whined, his face breaking into a satisfied grin, brows arcing upwards where they vanished beneath his sloppy jet-black hair. 

Oh yeah. You’d forgot his hair existed, what a cool surprise. Oh and his horns! You loved his horns it was so fun to rub them oh man. Fuck, there went your cool guy facade. Your pout had warped into a small, disbelieving smile. 

But fuck, holy shit, it struck you again that you were allowed to touch Karkat, and he was so fucking cute and hot like sure generally everybody was but Karkat was the fucking bomb and he wanted you to touch HIM, he’d decided he wanted to trust you that much, he’d decided to go out of his way to say things that made you feel good instead of empty, he drowned every empty, lonely place in your heart with emotions and opinions and shouted admissions of love. No decrypting required. 

Your cock was throbbing in your pants and when his hand blindsided you, his fingers feeling lovingly at the doughy skin of your lower side you lost it completely, let out a happy, giggling moan and pretty much melted down over his chest and into his lips. 

Losing the cool guy points was beyond worth it. The wet, warm caverns of gentleness and caring play inside Karkat’s mouth. His playful tongue, meeting you. His arms immediately snaking under your shirt to rub and squeeze at your back and skin, pull you harder into him. So many little gestures of affection. 

His crying moan, an open call of need fed directly into your mouth. His hips thrusting up into your wet hand, his dick bulging, trapped inside your fingers. His legs wrapping around your ass, all but begging you to invade him, ready to accommodate your desire in the most literal way possible. So many enormous displays of trust. 

Until they added up to a symphony, a kind of music you couldn’t deny and couldn’t keep up with. Now there was something to strive for. An ideal worthy of living for. To find some way to repay Karkat for his love. Fuck, no wonder Rose had a field day with you on the sex stuff. Your head had to be pretty filthy to find a sense of romance in this Karkat’s curled up, hitching body, right? 

But you didn’t think that sounded quite true, somehow. Whatever, who gave a damn, you did know this much: 

You needed to be naked for him. Now. 

He seemed to decide it for you, even if you hadn’t realized. His hands dug at the edges of your shirt and started to tug, vicious and brutal. He wasn’t fucking around--it was only a question of whether you followed along and helped yourself out reasonably or if he straight up tore your magic pj’s off. You liked these, so you mournfully let go of his cock, earning a desperate gasp of relief from your boyfriend. 

The comfy weight of your shirt and cape suddenly slipped off. You heard more than saw them land in a little pile in the corner, carelessly tossed. Rude. Those were divine artifacts, dog. That’s what you’d have been saying if his hands weren’t already under your waistband and you weren’t biting back a desperate howl from the sudden rush. Your knees bent inward, oh god, the heat and the pressure felt like a sun exploding into life in your crotch, and you could actually literally say that because you’d felt it once. 

Karkat’s other hand curled over your back, holding you in place, pushing your face into the nook of his neck and just far enough from his mouth. He was sitting up and holding you now, he’d had more time than you to get used to the sheer intensity of this stuff. Or maybe he was just a big enough badass to power through it. You believed it, from Karkat. 

You turned to butter against his chest. You whined and whimpered up against him, oh god, wherever he moved it felt like lightning blasts in your cock. 

You felt, didn’t see, his other hand pulling your pants gently off. The head of your cock caught against the soft fabric of your boxers but then it twanged free and the cool air of the room made you shudder. You’d thought he was wet, but you couldn’t tell if you were soaked in precum or if it just felt that good. 

Your hearts beat against each other, offbeat but in tandem, a pleasant rhythm to it. He craned his neck and managed to kiss the top of your neck, between your ear and your nape. He chuckled a little. Well, it didn’t seem like there was a shot in hell you were topping tonight, all of a sudden, but whatever--you were happy to be flexible. 

He pushed just enough to tip you over, held you close and gentle as inertia rolled him on top. Suddenly his legs were walls keeping yours folded under him, his hands pulling off your pants and socks. Then, here you were, hairy ginger mammal boy, with his big dramatic floppy junk and stuff. Your legs spread around his hips and you looked up at him, suddenly a little nervous. He’d promised you’d pay for his indulgence. 

His one hand closed over your cock and rolled your foreskin open as the other gently cupped and rubbed your balls. Everywhere you felt hair tickling and an intense feeling of pleasure at being in his tight grip. You whined under him, your head lolling to the side. 

KARKAT: MAN, YOU’RE JUST FUCKING ADORABLE, YOU KNOW THAT?   
KARKAT: YOU BASICALLY JUST FUCKING TURN INTO ECTOGOO IF ANYONE SO MUCH AS TOUCHES YOUR DONG.   
DAVE: hff, hff-- not anyone,  
DAVE: just you   


That caught him off guard-- If you were going down, it was going to be fighting. His eyes grew wide at the admission of affection--his pupils dilated, which you could only notice because of the incredibly faint red hue that’s started to show in the blacks. A nice color. He didn’t stop moving as he took it in, lets the grin spread on his face. Before you knew it his hand and your dick were slick and wet and he tossed the lube back from whence it came. He slid his hand quick up and down your cock and sent you back from whence you came, too. You mewled under him. 

He smiled down like a shark as his hand worked up and down, jokes about gay touches and no homo and skin flutes whizzed by your head but died before you could speak them in wave after wave of overwhelming sensation. You felt your crotch heave and your hips and chest bend, your breathing hard and heavy and making your stomach inflate and deflate. 

You knew Karkat kind of liked it when you showed a belly for some reason, but the intensity of his response was still unusual--the growl of satisfaction and hunger. He seemed to find every little thing you did way hotter than usual, which made sense because--hey, it was mutual. You flushed hard with embarrassment anyway though. You weren’t used to being the subject of so much visual affection any more than he was, and it felt impossible to hide. 

His hand dug through your red chest hair and sent hammers of electricity off your nipple with his touch. Suddenly it felt downright impossible to breathe. Karkat pushed off with his legs and got on top of you, your legs spread wide under him. He retrieved the lube and squirted some onto your right hand, your cock tossing in the air under him when he let go and took your wrist. He looked weirdly devoted just then, both hands focused on managing your one. Then the lube was gone again and his left hand closed around your cock this time and the other was leading your hand downwards, up to his behind, up to-- 

Ah. Up to home base, so to speak. Touchdown. Karkat twitched and leaned backwards into you. Your fingers slipped in easily, thick as they were--Karkat was well used to you by now. You stroked and slipped in and out with first one finger, then a second, quickly enough. 

It was a familiar motion at this point, and you knew exactly how to move at the rhythms he liked best. He rewarded your compliance by resuming his equally skilled feeling up your cock. You were both kind of the famous quarterback in this metaphor, pretty much set to score double slam dunks. 

Except Karkat was looking to leave you helpless and ruined, have you undone and vulnerable in his grasp, looking to Make You Pay. You could see it in his eyes when you finally dared meet them, but you knew the intent had been there the whole time. He was just kind of a weirdo romantic who really got off on eye contact. But then, so were you, as evidenced by the rush of butterflies and desire that those maroon pupils blossomed in your abs and lungs. So that was fine. 

He made a sound that most closely resembled a purr, and you nearly flipped your damn lid off. He bucked backwards, forcing your fingers in deeper just a bit roughly. Your cock throbbed. 

KARKAT: MRGH...YEAH, DAVE, JUST LIKE THAT.  


This was pretty much as low as his voice got, and it was still pretty loud, but it still felt seductive and sultry somehow. You shivered. 

KARKAT: FUCK, DAVE, YOU’RE SO GOOD AT THAT. DON’T STOP. PLEASE DON’T STOP.   


A desperate whine of a voice, but authoritative. Approving. His hand found its way onto your head and tangled up in your deep red hair. Clutching. 

KARKAT: HOW DO YOU DO IT, DAVE? HOW ARE YOU SO IRRESISTIBLE? SO FUCKING GOOD LOOKING. SO STRONG AND CAPABLE AND AWESOME AT EVERYTHING. FUCK. YOUR MUSIC IS GREAT, YOUR JOKES ARE GREAT, EVERY WAY YOU TOUCH ME IS AMAZING…  


You moaned and curled into yourself, trying to make yourself small. It didn’t work--your knees just caught against Karkat’s thighs, your neck and chest exposed and anchored in his grip and spread wide for him to stare at. You could feel him staring. But he decided to do more than that--placing little kisses along your cheek, down across your neck, down your shoulder. The head of your cock caught against his bottom, painting the bottom of his back with lube like a shitty brush. You went limp as one of his hands grabbed at your wrist and pulled your fingers out of him. Your hand settled against the lump of his ass instead. Fuck the grossness factor-you could shower later. Not that you would’ve had a say regardless--it was Karkat who put it there, not you. You certainly didn’t care to try and overpower him. He started talking again at the same time as his hand curled backwards over your cock, getting you wet all over again, pressing you up against the coil of muscle in his butt. 

KARKAT: FUCKING HELL, THAT WAS INCREDIBLE. YOU DID SO GOOD, MAN, I’M SO PROUD OF YOU.   


You bit back a moan but his hands tightened in your hair and around your cock, forcing it all the way out of you. 

KARKAT: YOU’RE NOT STOPPING THERE, RIGHT? YOU’RE GONNA TAKE ME WITH THAT PERFECT COCK OF YOURS, RIGHT? COME ON, DON’T LEAVE ME HANGING HERE.  


You felt drained of willpower entirely, but paradox space was full of surprises. Turns out you’d have climbed Mount Everest one handed right now, so long as Karkat wanted it. If it still existed, anyway. Your other hand closed around the opposite side of his perfect round little ass and he leaned down to kiss you, flooded you with whatever force it was that made you feel ready to do a lot of pelvic thrusting that was actually not ironic at your boyfriend. 

When his lips let go of you you felt like maybe what he’d said was true--or at least part of it. You felt focused and confident and eager to get your mammalian fuckpower all over this totally incredible alien guy. He kind of made you feel like you were the kind of guy who could fucking ravish him, make him feel incredible, erase every trace of shame or self-doubt. You were even starting to believe that was true, actually. You were starting to believe a lot of things you’d given up on. Such was the promise of Karkat. 

Your cock pressed up against him, hot and wet. It didn’t take any trying at all. When you lifted and pushed your foreskin unrolled and suddenly your head was submerged completely in him. He shouted above your head, suddenly tense and still, but he relaxed into it quickly enough. You began your attempt to make mind-blowing love to your boyfriend trying really fucking hard not to cum and less hard not to whimper. Your head throbbed inside and Karkat pressed and squeezed all around you pleasantly. 

Karkat fell into you as you pressed your way deeper inside him, lifting your hips until his cock was lying flat and heavy against your stomach. You could not believe how awesome and warm his balls felt sitting there. It made you want to touch but you kind of had your hands full of plush grey ass here, so Karkat would just have to display some damn patience. His breathing quickened, his chest pulsing hard against yours as you came first a third and then two thirds deeper in his ass, spread him wide and open. 

You felt enormous today, actually. Lil sluggers’ size waxed and waned and didn’t usually matter too much, but damn--after that pep talk, you felt genuinely kickass about yourself. You hoped Karkat did too. You mumbled some more loving nothings into his ear, stuff like “You’re beautiful” and “You’re perfect” and “I wonder if our ectokids will look like hot grey supermodels”, but you weren’t sure if he was listening. Or, for that matter, if you were even saying them or just thinking really loudly. It was kind of hard to focus on words with the overwhelming feeling of heat and weight and moisture and raw, galvanizing pleasure. 

Karkat slid downwards onto your cock and dragged his own along your torso, forcing your legs to spread wider to handle the sensation of your cock embedded in his ass to the hilt. Not for the first time you conceded to yourself that phallic imagery was sincerely fucking awesome. He called you an idiot lovingly under his breath, letting you know you’d at least said the ectokids part. 

DAVE: you good?  
KARKAT: FUCK, DAVE, OF COURSE. YES, FUCK.   
KARKAT: HOLY HELL THAT’S INCREDIBLE, OH MY GOD…  
DAVE: well apparently the truth for me is flattery will get you everywhere, pretty pathetic huh  
KARKAT: STOP, DON’T YOU DARE SAY THAT.  
KARKAT: IT ISN’T PATHETIC, DON’T YOU EVEN REMEMBER HOW THIS STARTED OFF? AND IT CERTAINLY ISN’T FUCKING FLATTERY, FUCKNUTS.  
DAVE: heheheh thats exactly what i am huh  
KARKAT: DON’T--*PFF*--DON’T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!  
KARKAT: I SAID ALL THAT STUFF BECAUSE I *MEANT* IT, LIKE YOU PRESUMABLY MEANT IT WHEN YOU ENJOYED FUCKING STARING AT EVERY PEDANTIC DEFECT OF MY BODY.  
KARKAT: YOU’RE LIKE TEN INCHES DEEP LODGED IN MY FUCKING NOOK, SO I’D APPRECIATE IF YOU’D ACCEPT MY HEARTFELT SENTIMENTS AND JUST ENJOYED THEM.  
DAVE: yeah i know i just   
DAVE: wanted to hear that, sorry  
KARKAT: IT’S FINE, I GET IT.   
DAVE: you’re right that i mean that, though. the staring thing. theres not any defects btw i checked  
KARKAT: I KNOW THAT. I THINK. MAYBE.   
DAVE: its true   


You took the opportunity to use your cock as a comma, slid it back out a ways and then slid back in in the same fluid motion. Karkat moaned but you were focused on words now, on timing and language, and if you said the right things in the right order now it would make Karkat lose it more than anything you did with your body ever could have. Not that you couldn’t do have it both ways. Your hands grazed along his sides and felt, held, touched as your hips bounced slowly upwards and downwards, out and then in again. Delicious, unstandable warmth and pleasure. 

DAVE: i mean it  
DAVE: you’re so strong and capable and imposing and stuff  
DAVE: and also adorable and cuddly and hot as fuck  
DAVE: you’re the kind of guy us back home call “A keeper”  
DAVE: it’s a very rare species of guys who look like they walked out of books where they shaped the course of history through no-nonsense attitudes and intrepid, daring leadership.  
KARKAT: NOW THAT’S DEFINITELY FLATTERY--NGH-- THAT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE.  
DAVE: oh yeah well check this out:   
KARKAT: AH! FUCK! NGH…  
DAVE: yeah exactly   
DAVE: it isn’t flattery, you’re perfect and amazing exactly how you are  
KARKAT: AH...DAVE…  


Maybe it was the weed or maybe you were just that smooth but he took your praise like he’d never done before. He slipped his arms around your back, needy and loving as he spread his ass up to take your cock. His thick knees threatened to squeeze your hips, made you feel confined and safely covered up. 

You moaned against his nape, your crotch a firm, dense rod jutting up into him that was definitely actually some kind of power factory super charging every nerve ending you had with sensation, sending you into overdrive. You picked up the pace when he answered your moan with his own, lost and undone in the pleasure and affection as much as you were. 

Your cock throbbed. Fuck. You were not going to last long. You mournfully parted one hand from Karkat’s perfect rump and slid it between his thighs from behind awkwardly--luckily you were lanky enough to take hold of his cock. His whining into your shoulder quickly turned high and jittery. He squirmed against you, sweat sticking you both together, his cock throbbing wildly in your hand. 

DAVE: oh fuck, karkat  
KARKAT: YEAH, FUCK! DAVE, YEAH!   
DAVE: ooooh fuck i am not going to last long, man, shit--  
KARKAT: ME NEITHER, FUCK--DAVE, PLEASE  
DAVE: yeah? tell me dude, tell me what you want  
KARKAT: NNGH--PLEASE, PLEASE SPEED UP.  
DAVE: you got it  


You and Karkat didn’t really debate the ethics of cumming inside each other anymore. The first time you’d gone all the way like this, you’d felt pretty bad about doing it, though he’d returned the favor soon after. As it turned out you were both kind of gross and liked the feeling of receiving each other, which suited you just fine right now--meant one less thing to worry about, and you weren’t in any state to be keeping track of a lot. 

His bare chest rubbed along your furry one, forcing every strand of hair to alert you to the touch. You let your ass fall onto the bed almost completely and slammed yourself into him in a loud, smacking thrust--he arced and cried out in pleasure and happiness. Your hand squeezed and groped him, rubbing him vigorously up and down. He was so wet--you knew his dick almost better than yours at this point, and you knew he was real close. Your own shame dongler (which he had literally called it once, nearly murdering you by making you wear out your ribcage with laughter) spiked in and out of him in short, quick thrusts. 

One, two, three, and then you knew you couldn’t take anymore--your dick clenched hard and burst somehow, letting what must have been an enormous load flood into his ass. Karkat groaned and leaned into it, leaned into you, tried to press in so hard you thought he might be trying to fuse or something. 

You hollered up into his hair as his arms closed hard against your back and his nails bit into your shoulders, your spread legs suddenly frozen by stimulus, all of you frozen actually except for your crotch which kept pounding in and out of him, forcing your still unloading jizz deeper inside of him. Your shouts turned to whines and then to whimpers but Karkat was still just getting started and you didn’t want to dissapoint, so you forced yourself to keep thursting in and out of him through the blinding, dizzying stimulus. 

His orgasm was slower, gentler. A squirt of warm red fluid suddenly soaked your waist and he let out a keening, pleased sound as his cock throbbed in your hand and yours throbbed in his ass. He let out a small sob against your ear as he twitched and poured out of himself--fluid, fluid, then more fluid, no wonder troll nads were bigger than human ones. 

He was fucking ruining you with the stuff, not to mention the bedsheets, but another thing you’d already discovered to Karkat’s disgust was that you kind of got off on this stuff. It was him coating you, after all--his seed, his essence, the literal most intimate of his body parts. All yours to share. You’re pretty sure you felt yourself squirt a little more cum in him, though you’d been sure you didn’t have it in you. 

Then, like a spell, Karkat’s tenseness broke open and he was whimpering and soft against you. He didn’t ask you to let go of his cock, didn’t complain about it being sensitive, so you didn’t because you didn’t wanna. You let yourself breathe hard against his chest as you slowly pulled yourself out of him, groaning and yelling at the extremely intense raw sensation. You were soaking goddamn wet with red alien jizz, just light enough that nobody could mistake it for blood. 

Your gasps and moans melded, mixed in and out of each other, grew calmer and softer in arrhythmic tempo. Karkat’s arms loosened, tightened, loosened again, like he was learning how to control his limbs all over. Your cock throbbed raw and exhausted against his bottom, and you could feel your semen slipping back out of him. 

Maaaaybe the hottest thing you’d ever learned about trolls was that a good amount of your jizz was going to end up in some gland or whatever they kept for actually producing reproductive material. It was fucking awesome to know you got to stay inside him somehow, even if the mix wasn’t fertile. 

Karkat grunted a complaint, trying to shut you up--you guess you were rambling at least some of that. You did about half the time whenever you topped--it was just the price he had to pay, like the price you had to pay where Karkat usually ended up crying over how emotional he was and then making you cry on top of that whenever he topped. If you could even call this “topping” when he’d spent the whole time basically in charge. That didn’t make any sense at all. Just another way the sexual lingo on your planet’s logic was revealed to add up to dick squat. You’d probably jam about it with him later. 

The smell of sex grew overpowering, heightened by the smell of his jizz steadily flooding the bed. Like apples and raspberries. Maybe Terezi was just rubbing off on you, but it was nice. Pretty much everything about Karkat was nice. 

DAVE: shower?  


You asked, desperately hoping he didn’t have the energy for a shower, because fuck did you ever not want to get up. 

KARKAT: NO, WHATEVER, BUT YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO WASH THE SHEETS TOMORROW.  
DAVE: hell fucking yes. i love being the big important troll leaders’ doting househusband.   


That got a genuine laugh out of him, happy and easy and pleased with himself. You closed your eyes and thanked your lucky stars. You knew the goopy afterglow wasn’t going to last. You’d probably both just nap for an hour and wake up cold and wet and needing to pee, but whatever, this was perfect for right now. Everything messy and gross and ridiculously swollen with love. You could stay in this feeling forever, so long as Karkat didn’t stop giving it to you. 

Karkat fell over onto your thigh and arm, craning his neck upwards to kiss your lips and then your cheek. He looked exhausted, drenched and sweating, his cock bright red and sore and bright red and spent just like yours was. But happy about it. You wrapped your arm around him and pushed his head onto your chest and he sighed gratefully, settled his ear on the beating of your heart. 

You looked down at the mop of black that belonged to your favorite guy in the universe and promised yourself you’d play with his horns later--they’d be awfully sensitive if you touched them right now. Maybe if you played your cards right you could get your ass wrecked in the shower--it’d be only fair. 

DAVE: hey, kk  
KARKAT: YEAH?  
DAVE: i love you  
KARKAT: I LOVE YOU TOO, DAVE.  
DAVE: heheh. awesome.   
KARKAT: YEAH.  


He said it sleepily and distant, but deeply warm. The sound of his voice echoed and chased after you as you let yourself relax and easily doze off. It was easier to sleep now that you didn’t feel lonely, or scared, or wrong at all. There weren’t any nightmares for either of you, for once.


End file.
